It's been a long time of wandering. Eight years, to be exact. Wandering the halls of my mind confused, hurt, alone. Wandering my life path without direction, hope, purpose. When you're wandering and your heart is suffering, it's hard to distinguish truth from lie. Especially because the lies that take root the deepest always have a lot of truth mixed up in them. I've believed the lie that I need to be safe (which is the truth part of the lie) and I can do that by controlling things- thinking through/weighing every decision, making lists and checking things off to prove my worth, anticipating conflicts and trying to avoid them. I also believed the lie that who I am is good but not good enough. As a result of believing that lie I even became co-dependent. I had no identity on my own because it felt safer to just put others before me and focus on what they want and need. I never took time to nurture myself. So I withered and lost myself. I gave up the voice God gave me because I didn't think it was good enough. And as I started to feel anxiety and stress and fear crush my body, I knew I needed help. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating (much). I wasn't good for myself or anyone else. My friend recommended her therapist to me. It took me a month to muster up enough courage to even contact the office and admit that I needed help. I think that was the hardest part. But then the good part happened: therapy.
My therapist is kind, warm, understanding, safe, true. I almost fell asleep on her sofa towards the end of my first session. It was the most relaxed I had been in months. She told me that all she had done was draw my attention to the present- sights, sounds, smells around me. "Use that when you feel anxious and be in the present," she told me. She gave me permission to take things for myself and enjoy them (like moments to drink hot tea or watch the sunrise or feel the sand or sing). She gave me permission to nurture myself. Maybe that "permission" part sounds weird to you, but to someone like me who follows rules and is obsessed with doing the exact right thing at the exact right time and finds their worth/value in the things they do, that "permission" part is absolutely necessary. I needed someone to tell me it was ok to take care of myself. In fact, it's the best thing I can do. So I started. The first week I had a cup of hot green tea with just the right amount of honey. I took that moment and I liked it. The second week I upped my game and stood at the top of a green hill, arms spread wide and watched as a million tabebuia seeds washed over me. Later that week I went to the beach and felt the sand in my hands and noted the texture. I remembered that I came from dust and to dust I will return but for this moment God has breathed his breath of life in me and I am alive. I watched the moon's reflection dance on the ocean- the same moon and same ocean that have always been. I took those moments and I liked it. I enjoyed them and felt more whole, more like me. In an effort to find my voice I've said no to people without explanation. And my therapist asked me if the world stopped spinning... it didn't, by the way. I've started reminding myself who I really am so I won't get confused or lost again (or at least not for long). In case you're wondering who I really am, I am a lover. Lover of sun, green things, smiles, bright colors, rainbows, friends, tea, sweaters, ocean, birds, music, food, blankets, summer, friends (I would list friends a million times because they're my favorite). God made me to love him and to point people to him. What better way to do that than to delight in the life he has given me- to enjoy and to love.
I found this beautiful passage in Philippians 1 (MSG) a few days ago and it reminds me who I am:
9-11 So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.
So, if you see me again soon and you think I'm crazy, that's cool. The real Leah is a lover and kind of a hippie. She's learning to enjoy this life, trust her intuition, just be, and use that beautiful voice God gave her. I'm sure that will sound weird to some people. But hey, I'm me- no explanation or justification necessary. I am enough. And, good news: so are you!
Love,
Leah
Monday, May 4, 2015
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Drought
Sometimes the community drought is too much. I hate it. All my favorite healthy people tell me that life is better lived in community, in sharing our stories and being vulnerable, in authenticity and understanding (look them up: Brené Brown, Bob Goff, Shauna Niequist, Donald Miller, Judah Smith). That resonates with something old and deep and true in me. I think God put it there. He made me to know and to be known- I think he made all of us that way. So why the hell can't we get on board with that? It's so frustrating. I bring me, all of me, into relationships. People matter. We are the only things that are eternal. The weight of that understanding guides me in relationships. That's why I'm all in. Because you matter and our time together here has consequences for eternity.
Dan and I have done a lot of restructuring in our lives to make time for what we think is most important. You want to know what's most important to us? It's the big two: loving God and loving people (Matthew 22:37-40). We leave early mornings open for time to pray and read. We leave evenings open for time with friends. We leave weekends open for time together, just the three of us. Of course sometimes other things creep in and we don't get to stick to our time margins for the week, but overall we establish boundaries and protect them.
You know what a lot of people we love say when we invite them over or ask to get together throughout the week? That they have a lot going on, things are really busy, they'll get back to us when things are less busy. I get that. Sometimes I have full weeks too. You're busy. You're doing things, going places, accomplishing goals. There's nothing inherently wrong with any of those things. But I think we can potentially be busy for all our days, weeks, months, years here on earth. We could spend all the time we have working hard for all the things, making the kind of impact we think we should, accomplishing all the tasks, achieving great status. All those things are about doing. I think it's so hard for me because I'm learning an important lesson right now- the "be" over "do" lesson. I don't have to be anything or anyone other than me. God made me to be forever with Him. He loves me always, no matter what. There's nothing I can do to make him love me more or less. Now, I'm not saying that because this is the thing I'm learning that everyone else wrong and I'm Mary, you're Martha (Luke 10:38-42) and you're not living your life right and I'm better than you. That's not it at all. I'm just mourning the loss of what could have been- the connection, the understanding, the embrace, the increased knowledge of God that comes from life lived together. I hate being apart. It's not self-induced and it's not for my lack of trying, but this community drought sucks.
Stay tuned for Part II. I think God made me passionate about community because he wants me to be part of redeeming it. What am I good at? What do I really love? Being a friend. I'm wired for it. I'll let you know what happens next. Thanks for learning with me. It's a slow process, but I'm getting better.
Love,
Leah
Dan and I have done a lot of restructuring in our lives to make time for what we think is most important. You want to know what's most important to us? It's the big two: loving God and loving people (Matthew 22:37-40). We leave early mornings open for time to pray and read. We leave evenings open for time with friends. We leave weekends open for time together, just the three of us. Of course sometimes other things creep in and we don't get to stick to our time margins for the week, but overall we establish boundaries and protect them.
You know what a lot of people we love say when we invite them over or ask to get together throughout the week? That they have a lot going on, things are really busy, they'll get back to us when things are less busy. I get that. Sometimes I have full weeks too. You're busy. You're doing things, going places, accomplishing goals. There's nothing inherently wrong with any of those things. But I think we can potentially be busy for all our days, weeks, months, years here on earth. We could spend all the time we have working hard for all the things, making the kind of impact we think we should, accomplishing all the tasks, achieving great status. All those things are about doing. I think it's so hard for me because I'm learning an important lesson right now- the "be" over "do" lesson. I don't have to be anything or anyone other than me. God made me to be forever with Him. He loves me always, no matter what. There's nothing I can do to make him love me more or less. Now, I'm not saying that because this is the thing I'm learning that everyone else wrong and I'm Mary, you're Martha (Luke 10:38-42) and you're not living your life right and I'm better than you. That's not it at all. I'm just mourning the loss of what could have been- the connection, the understanding, the embrace, the increased knowledge of God that comes from life lived together. I hate being apart. It's not self-induced and it's not for my lack of trying, but this community drought sucks.
Stay tuned for Part II. I think God made me passionate about community because he wants me to be part of redeeming it. What am I good at? What do I really love? Being a friend. I'm wired for it. I'll let you know what happens next. Thanks for learning with me. It's a slow process, but I'm getting better.
Love,
Leah
Monday, March 16, 2015
Mornings
Mornings are hard for me. I guess some people enjoy mornings because of the possibilities of a new day, the hope for things to be better/different than yesterday, the new mercy God has for them that day. I wish I could think about those things. God, I want to think about those things! Instead I wake reluctantly, angrily after fitful sleep. Emma presents me with a list of demands. The dishes in the sink glare at me and remind me that I am not enough, that I will never really be able to complete all the tasks, do all the things, be all the things. Even my stomach yells at me to feed it. And the day starts with yesterday's leftovers instead of today's warm beginnings. I feel disgusted. Can I just go back to sleep? I like the light. Maybe I could sleep better in the day time. Maybe the darkness and the fear and the worry wouldn't creep into my dreams in the day. The light beats back the darkness, right?
I don't know anything, not even a sliver of the future. My life feels like a circus juggling act. Which piece of my life is up in the air today? Oh, all of them. Cool. I really do want to trust God. I promise I really do want to lean in and listen to what he has to say. I want to be in on what he's doing. I feel left out, though, like God has plans and things he's working on in/for my life but I'm not entirely sure what or how or why or for how long. In the meantime mornings haunt me and my security blanket (Dan) has gone to work and I am left to fight alone.
Things I need to remember this morning:
I am not alone.
Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)
The Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.
God is strong and he makes me strong.
Romans 16:25 (MSG)
All of our praise rises to the One who is strong enough to make you strong, exactly as preached in Christ Jesus...
Jesus is light and darkness cannot win.
John 1:3-5 (MSG)
Everything was created through him; nothing—not one thing!—came into being without him. What came into existence was Life, and the Life was Light to live by. The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness; the darkness couldn’t put it out.
God knows what he's doing.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 (MSG)
I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not to abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed.
Jesus picked me and I am his friend, focus of his love.
John 15:15-17 (NIV)
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You didn't not choose me, remember, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit- fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other.
Ephesians 1:4 (MSG)
Long before he laid down the earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love.
I love that whole and holy part. I want to be whole more than anything. I want to get better.
What do you need help remembering this morning?
I don't know anything, not even a sliver of the future. My life feels like a circus juggling act. Which piece of my life is up in the air today? Oh, all of them. Cool. I really do want to trust God. I promise I really do want to lean in and listen to what he has to say. I want to be in on what he's doing. I feel left out, though, like God has plans and things he's working on in/for my life but I'm not entirely sure what or how or why or for how long. In the meantime mornings haunt me and my security blanket (Dan) has gone to work and I am left to fight alone.
Things I need to remember this morning:
I am not alone.
Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)
The Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.
God is strong and he makes me strong.
Romans 16:25 (MSG)
All of our praise rises to the One who is strong enough to make you strong, exactly as preached in Christ Jesus...
Jesus is light and darkness cannot win.
John 1:3-5 (MSG)
Everything was created through him; nothing—not one thing!—came into being without him. What came into existence was Life, and the Life was Light to live by. The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness; the darkness couldn’t put it out.
God knows what he's doing.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 (MSG)
I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not to abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed.
Jesus picked me and I am his friend, focus of his love.
John 15:15-17 (NIV)
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You didn't not choose me, remember, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit- fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other.
Ephesians 1:4 (MSG)
Long before he laid down the earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love.
I love that whole and holy part. I want to be whole more than anything. I want to get better.
What do you need help remembering this morning?
Monday, March 2, 2015
The fight
This week has been hard. Really, really hard. The feelings of panic and anxiety that I have sometimes felt over the past six years blew in at full force this week. I can't pinpoint the trigger- not yet. I have no idea why I feel anxious, but when I do my chest feels tight and my head feels like it's floating and my body feels weird which sends me into more panic. It's the worst. It steals my day, my hope, my love. I am no good for myself or anyone else. I retreat into my mind prison and tell myself that if I can just make it to 6 pm Dan will be home and I won't have to suffer alone anymore.
That is just sad. It's sad to lose hope and appetite and peace. It's sad to be trapped inside yourself. As I seek redemption for this part of my story, I'm learning a few things. I'm learning how to lean into God and how to be dependent on him. Anxiety is not a thing I can free myself from, only God can do that. He wants me strong (Romans 16:25 All of our praise rises to the One who is strong enough to make you strong, exactly as preached in Jesus Christ..., Psalm 31:24 Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon.). He wants me whole (I Thessalonians 5:23-24 May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together- spirit, soul, and body- and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he'll do it!). He wants me free (Galations 5:1 Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.). I want those things too.
I realized that I do with God what I do with other people when I perceive the absence of leadership- I step in and fill the role. Dan and I were talking about this Saturday night and about how this skill works well with a leadership vacuum in the workplace or with a group of friends who just needs to make a decision, but not so much with God. I perceive the lack of leadership or involvement on his part because he is invisible and because the things I would like to see happen in my life haven't panned out yet, so I conclude that God must be busy with other things. He must care about other people but not really about me. If I want things to happen in my life then I need to make them happen. But every time I try to make something happen for myself it flops, my body has a meltdown, and I return to dust- or at least that's how it feels. I'm understanding now that there really is nothing I can do apart from God. I cannot save myself. So I lean into Him. Because he loves me. He offers me grace.
So often I question God's love for me, probably because of my own experience with conditional love (i.e. manipulation) and the self-appointment to leadership thing that I do when I perceive lack. I believe the lie that Adam and Eve believed in the garden: God must not really love/care for me if he's keeping me from this. Instead of acknowledging his protection and his provision as love, I ignore them and blaze my own way. I mistake his quiet distance for indifference when really it's an invitation to draw near to him. That's what good dads do. They don't force you to do the things that are best for you. They suggest them and then ask you to snuggle with them until you feel strong enough to do what is best (and sometimes the snuggling and waiting is what's best).
I'm learning to accept God's love and his grace, to soak it up. I didn't know how to do that before and I'm still not very good at it. My friends and family have been an extension of God's love to me lately. They tell me things like, "You're going to be ok," "You are enough," "It's ok to ask for help," "Let's get healthy now so we can be whole people raising whole kids," "You are awesome." And these people have seen me through highs and lows. For years. They have seen my shining moments and my really ugly ones. But they also see who I can be, who God's making me to be. It's like when God looks at me and only sees me blameless because of Jesus- my friends see me like that too. It's a lot easier to see yourself the way you actually are if people break down the walls of your mind prison and tell you the truth. I learn most of my lessons about God's love from my friends. Thank you, friends and family, for loving God and loving me. I love you back- so much. I will get better.
That is just sad. It's sad to lose hope and appetite and peace. It's sad to be trapped inside yourself. As I seek redemption for this part of my story, I'm learning a few things. I'm learning how to lean into God and how to be dependent on him. Anxiety is not a thing I can free myself from, only God can do that. He wants me strong (Romans 16:25 All of our praise rises to the One who is strong enough to make you strong, exactly as preached in Jesus Christ..., Psalm 31:24 Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon.). He wants me whole (I Thessalonians 5:23-24 May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together- spirit, soul, and body- and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he'll do it!). He wants me free (Galations 5:1 Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.). I want those things too.
I realized that I do with God what I do with other people when I perceive the absence of leadership- I step in and fill the role. Dan and I were talking about this Saturday night and about how this skill works well with a leadership vacuum in the workplace or with a group of friends who just needs to make a decision, but not so much with God. I perceive the lack of leadership or involvement on his part because he is invisible and because the things I would like to see happen in my life haven't panned out yet, so I conclude that God must be busy with other things. He must care about other people but not really about me. If I want things to happen in my life then I need to make them happen. But every time I try to make something happen for myself it flops, my body has a meltdown, and I return to dust- or at least that's how it feels. I'm understanding now that there really is nothing I can do apart from God. I cannot save myself. So I lean into Him. Because he loves me. He offers me grace.
So often I question God's love for me, probably because of my own experience with conditional love (i.e. manipulation) and the self-appointment to leadership thing that I do when I perceive lack. I believe the lie that Adam and Eve believed in the garden: God must not really love/care for me if he's keeping me from this. Instead of acknowledging his protection and his provision as love, I ignore them and blaze my own way. I mistake his quiet distance for indifference when really it's an invitation to draw near to him. That's what good dads do. They don't force you to do the things that are best for you. They suggest them and then ask you to snuggle with them until you feel strong enough to do what is best (and sometimes the snuggling and waiting is what's best).
I'm learning to accept God's love and his grace, to soak it up. I didn't know how to do that before and I'm still not very good at it. My friends and family have been an extension of God's love to me lately. They tell me things like, "You're going to be ok," "You are enough," "It's ok to ask for help," "Let's get healthy now so we can be whole people raising whole kids," "You are awesome." And these people have seen me through highs and lows. For years. They have seen my shining moments and my really ugly ones. But they also see who I can be, who God's making me to be. It's like when God looks at me and only sees me blameless because of Jesus- my friends see me like that too. It's a lot easier to see yourself the way you actually are if people break down the walls of your mind prison and tell you the truth. I learn most of my lessons about God's love from my friends. Thank you, friends and family, for loving God and loving me. I love you back- so much. I will get better.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
What do you really love?
I love lots of things. I love people- the funny, jumbled-up piles of emotion, layers of thoughts and feelings, records of experiences (the good, the bad, and everything in between). I love summer- toes in the sand of our Gulf coast beaches, hot sun on my face, kissing my skin, and the way that everything slows down to a lazy summer pace. I love green tea- hot and sweetened with honey, sipping from a tiny mug or iced and shaken with apple juice, served in the largest glass I can find. I love feeling understood- the it's-ok-to-be-me-I-am-enough-you'll-still-stay-even-though-I-can-never-be-perfect feeling. I love hosting- people in my space, bumping elbows around a crowded table, food and wine flowing, the roar of laughter, the quiet sighs and tears of pain, the gift of togetherness and now and food.
Today I was thinking a lot about what I really love and what I really want. For me, those two go hand in hand- I really want the things that I really love to all intersect. I dream of a home with a big back yard and a greengreen garden, a kitchen well known to all my closest friends, a big table covered in crispy baguettes and cheeses and soup and wine and all kinds of other things that come together in the kitchen, and friends holding each other tightly and loosely all at the same time, kids zooming in and out of all the rooms. I love connecting, understanding, and really knowing. I'm beginning to understand that that's how God made me and I'm leaning in to that.
Tell me, what do you really love?
Today I was thinking a lot about what I really love and what I really want. For me, those two go hand in hand- I really want the things that I really love to all intersect. I dream of a home with a big back yard and a greengreen garden, a kitchen well known to all my closest friends, a big table covered in crispy baguettes and cheeses and soup and wine and all kinds of other things that come together in the kitchen, and friends holding each other tightly and loosely all at the same time, kids zooming in and out of all the rooms. I love connecting, understanding, and really knowing. I'm beginning to understand that that's how God made me and I'm leaning in to that.
Tell me, what do you really love?
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
An open letter to anyone who wants to know "What have [I] been up to lately?"
I went to bed last night with every intention to start writing right away- before Emma could stand creepily over my face and whisper she's hungry, before I could start washing dishes, making breakfast, scouring the internet for vacation spots. But I'm super awesome at distracting myself, at prolonging the inevitable. I will find words for the way I feel. I will, but it would be healthier if I just let myself write and try to find the words now instead of later. I want to be good with words, true with words, but I doubt myself every time. I wonder if I'll feel more confident in time or if I'll forever be fighting for meaning in my words...
I recently read a blog post by Don Miller (http://storylineblog.com/2015/01/28/do-you-only-matter-because-of-what-you-do/) about him visiting a therapy center. Upon arrival guests had to surrender their phones for the week, drop their last names, and their ace cards. Don describes our ace cards as important, impressive things we wear like badges and throw down on the table to make people believe us to be something or someone other than our true selves. We use our ace cards to hide shame and self-doubt. But we are more than what we do. We have great intrinsic value. But I forget that a lot. I forget that I matter and that I am doing good things with my life.
You see, I don't really have any ace cards to hide behind. I don't work an interesting job, I don't travel to exotic places, I don't cook Pinterest meals every night, I don't go out to fancy places and wear shiny black dresses and sip champagne (usually). My life, me, the things I do, they don't Instagram well. I'm not topping the charts of social media in anything but honesty and vulnerability. All I have to offer you is me. I really hope that is enough.
What have I been up to lately? What do I do? Where am I going? They're the questions I ask myself and people ask me on a pretty consistent basis. And, in an effort to calm one of my many emotional storms as of late, my sweet Dan reminded me that we've been building- slowly, quietly, and with great pain. We've been building a marriage, a family, friends. We've been focusing our efforts on raising a child to know she is loved and wanted by us and by God- just the way she is. My father-in-law said that the past almost-six years may have been hard for us, but they haven't been for Emma. She has always had food and shelter and comfort and two engaged parents and love. And he's right on two counts- it has been hard for Dan and me, and it hasn't been for Em. It's hard to say no to things I love like travel and exploration and music and art and other things that other twenty-somethings are off doing right now. It's hard to come to terms with what I willingly said yes to. In my defense, I don't think anyone ever really know what they're signing up for in marriage and parenting. But I picked it and I picked to stay. I chose to commit and connect and grow and build. And I think those are good things.
I matter because of who I am- lover of light and color and sweaters and friends and wine and yoga and Dan and music and books and being understood and Emma and chocolate and tea and God and grace and hope and blueberries and dance and justice and adoption and positive change and sundresses and the beach and puppies and breaking unhealthy cycles and watercolors and painting and candles and french fries. Who are you? What do you really love to do? Be honest. That person matters.
I recently read a blog post by Don Miller (http://storylineblog.com/2015/01/28/do-you-only-matter-because-of-what-you-do/) about him visiting a therapy center. Upon arrival guests had to surrender their phones for the week, drop their last names, and their ace cards. Don describes our ace cards as important, impressive things we wear like badges and throw down on the table to make people believe us to be something or someone other than our true selves. We use our ace cards to hide shame and self-doubt. But we are more than what we do. We have great intrinsic value. But I forget that a lot. I forget that I matter and that I am doing good things with my life.
You see, I don't really have any ace cards to hide behind. I don't work an interesting job, I don't travel to exotic places, I don't cook Pinterest meals every night, I don't go out to fancy places and wear shiny black dresses and sip champagne (usually). My life, me, the things I do, they don't Instagram well. I'm not topping the charts of social media in anything but honesty and vulnerability. All I have to offer you is me. I really hope that is enough.
What have I been up to lately? What do I do? Where am I going? They're the questions I ask myself and people ask me on a pretty consistent basis. And, in an effort to calm one of my many emotional storms as of late, my sweet Dan reminded me that we've been building- slowly, quietly, and with great pain. We've been building a marriage, a family, friends. We've been focusing our efforts on raising a child to know she is loved and wanted by us and by God- just the way she is. My father-in-law said that the past almost-six years may have been hard for us, but they haven't been for Emma. She has always had food and shelter and comfort and two engaged parents and love. And he's right on two counts- it has been hard for Dan and me, and it hasn't been for Em. It's hard to say no to things I love like travel and exploration and music and art and other things that other twenty-somethings are off doing right now. It's hard to come to terms with what I willingly said yes to. In my defense, I don't think anyone ever really know what they're signing up for in marriage and parenting. But I picked it and I picked to stay. I chose to commit and connect and grow and build. And I think those are good things.
I matter because of who I am- lover of light and color and sweaters and friends and wine and yoga and Dan and music and books and being understood and Emma and chocolate and tea and God and grace and hope and blueberries and dance and justice and adoption and positive change and sundresses and the beach and puppies and breaking unhealthy cycles and watercolors and painting and candles and french fries. Who are you? What do you really love to do? Be honest. That person matters.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Never alone
It's been two months since I last opened my blog. That's sad for me, really, because I love to write. It's not just an outlet or a hobby, it's a need. I have to write. But I didn't. Holidays have a way of sending me on a tailspin of emotion and they launch me into a depressing black hole and when I land on my feet again I am completely disoriented although the world looks exactly the same as when I left it.
Yesterday was probably the hardest day in the last four years of my life. I woke up mad, hurt, hopeless. And if you know anything about waking up it's that that is really just the worst way to do it. Might as well bury your head in the pillow and try to sleep and then wake up again. Declare a do over, or something. But I didn't. I didn't have the courage or strength to say "do over!" I just wandered with furrowed brow, miserable all day. Because the car needs an engine repair that will cost all of our savings, my kid won't stop whining my name (for the last 4 days), there isn't enough money, I haven't found a job yet, my husband hasn't found a higher paying job, we feel unstable internally and externally, we keep trying to make things happen for ourselves and it's just not working. When I made it to that last thought I remembered that I had left God completely out of all of it. I didn't ask him for help. I didn't tell him what I needed or what was bothering me. Probably because he's invisible, eternal and I'm temporal. I am bound by time and space and body and this provincial life and he is not. I overlook him because he is beyond and above and separate from all the things I do or deal with every day. But he isn't really. My friend Lisa reminded me that I never walk alone. God never asked me to. He is Emmanuel, God with us. We are his greatest treasure. He pursues me still even though if it had been me in the garden instead of Eve, I would have eaten the fruit. If it had been me meeting Jesus I wouldn't have believed he was the Son of God. But he loves me anyway and he gave me Jesus anyway to get back his treasure that was lost all those years ago. This treasure is dirty and ungrateful and doubting and selfish, but he wants me anyway. He wants to fix my car and heal my heart and give me a home. Because he's my dad and he loves me.
Yesterday was the worst day, but at the end of it I remembered that I really am loved. I really am cared for. My friends reminded me. I didn't spend a second of my day alone. Friends in the afternoon, friends at night. They surrounded me in the best way and snuggled me and reminded me to listen for God's voice. Walk the walk of faith which is hard and I often feel like I'm stumbling blindly, but I am never alone. That was the best thing to hear (and feel). I am never alone and neither are you.
Yesterday was probably the hardest day in the last four years of my life. I woke up mad, hurt, hopeless. And if you know anything about waking up it's that that is really just the worst way to do it. Might as well bury your head in the pillow and try to sleep and then wake up again. Declare a do over, or something. But I didn't. I didn't have the courage or strength to say "do over!" I just wandered with furrowed brow, miserable all day. Because the car needs an engine repair that will cost all of our savings, my kid won't stop whining my name (for the last 4 days), there isn't enough money, I haven't found a job yet, my husband hasn't found a higher paying job, we feel unstable internally and externally, we keep trying to make things happen for ourselves and it's just not working. When I made it to that last thought I remembered that I had left God completely out of all of it. I didn't ask him for help. I didn't tell him what I needed or what was bothering me. Probably because he's invisible, eternal and I'm temporal. I am bound by time and space and body and this provincial life and he is not. I overlook him because he is beyond and above and separate from all the things I do or deal with every day. But he isn't really. My friend Lisa reminded me that I never walk alone. God never asked me to. He is Emmanuel, God with us. We are his greatest treasure. He pursues me still even though if it had been me in the garden instead of Eve, I would have eaten the fruit. If it had been me meeting Jesus I wouldn't have believed he was the Son of God. But he loves me anyway and he gave me Jesus anyway to get back his treasure that was lost all those years ago. This treasure is dirty and ungrateful and doubting and selfish, but he wants me anyway. He wants to fix my car and heal my heart and give me a home. Because he's my dad and he loves me.
Yesterday was the worst day, but at the end of it I remembered that I really am loved. I really am cared for. My friends reminded me. I didn't spend a second of my day alone. Friends in the afternoon, friends at night. They surrounded me in the best way and snuggled me and reminded me to listen for God's voice. Walk the walk of faith which is hard and I often feel like I'm stumbling blindly, but I am never alone. That was the best thing to hear (and feel). I am never alone and neither are you.
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