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Three weeks ago I felt really sad. I felt grateful for my new friends and the ways our relationships are growing, but I also felt really tired from all the work that goes into new relationships. All the words, all the time, all the emotions. And because of that I really just wanted to be snuggled by old friends. Friends who don't really need words to understand. Friends who let me be awkward when I can't quite seem to get it together. Friends who tell me I am enough when I feel like I'm not. And then, like the best surprise, my friend from high school told me she'd be in town for two weeks. She'd love to get together before the wedding we'd both attend. I kind of cried a little bit (because you know I feel all the feels). Even though I hadn't prayed it out loud, even though I couldn't remember to ask for what I needed, God gave it to me anyway. Lindsey came over with her son Ian and we laughed and ate dinner and the kids danced/spun into oblivion. When she left I felt like I had been weird, preoccupied, exhausted. I apologized. You know what she said? She told me I am enough and not too much, however I am. And I cried again (because all the feels). Sometimes I forget that God's grace is for me. It makes sense to me that it's for other people, that God can forgive and love and cover every word and deed in grace. There's a disconnect when I think about me, though. I can't seem to shake the "you're not enough" lie. I'm not sure how it crept in, where it originated, but it has poisoned my mind. And God reminds me in his unending love that I am enough. He sends people I need with words I need and snuggles. Always snuggles. When I think about me I see my failures but when I think about Jesus I see how much he loves me. He loves me enough to make his home in me, he loves me enough to share his inheritance with me, he loves me enough to mix up new mercy for me each morning. He loves me enough. He is enough. I am enough.
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Dan and I attended a wedding last weekend for our friends Amethyst and Glenn. Dan took pictures and I listened intently to the wedding homily. The Archbishop said so many beautiful things, but one particular thing he said struck me and sank deep. He referenced Ephesians 5 where Paul addresses how wives and husbands should submit to one another. "Wives submit to your husbands in everything" (verse 24). "But husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her... "(verse 25). The Archbishop asked is it easier to obey or to die? Marriage is about dying to self. It's about taking up the cross daily. Sometimes I forget. I leave the cross. Because it's heavy and painful and I know how the story ends. It ends with me dying. But there's more. It really ends with me being raised to life. "Here is a trustworthy saying: If we died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him" (2 Timothy 2:11-12). When I die to myself, my marriage comes alive. It becomes the portrait of God's love for his church that it was intended to be. People can see God's goodness all around because he is alive at the center. In the fog of dishes and laundry and dinner prep and chauffeuring and cleaning, I forget our life together is sacred. I forget to rest and relish and believe the truth over the lies. Our life together is holy, set apart, sacred. At it's best, our marriage shows God's love to the world. I know the weekend was a celebration of the beginning of Amethyst and Glenn's married life together, but it was also a sobering reminder to die to myself. Only then can I, and my relationship with Dan, be fully alive. Dan's worth it, by the way.
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This week marks a new first for us. Em started VPK yesterday! I was so nervous to drop her off. The thing I've been doing 24/7 for almost 5 years was about to end. I was going to take her to school. And then I was going to leave. Weird. Dan was able to have the morning off so we all went together. She wanted to pose for a photo with her lunchbox in hand and her left foot up behind her- classic Emma! She was adorable. She gave us both huge squeeze hugs and sprinted in her classroom. Just like that. She was off- trying something new with new people in a new place, on her own. I kept it together pretty well until we got to the car. Dan started telling me what a wonderful mother I am. He told me that I had been successful at the one thing I had known for sure I wanted to do with my life, being a mom. He said Em would do so well. You know the all-the-feels tears started flowing. How did I get this life with such a wonderful husband, such a bright-shining daughter? Why do I miss that so often? Why can I only see the piles of papers and laundry and dishes? Why can I only feel the exhaustion and pain and emptiness? It's simple. It's just like Melissa always told me, "Leah, you're focusing on the lack. Your brilliant, analytical mind focuses on what you don't have. Instead, look at what you do have and enjoy."
Grow, baby, grow! Mommy's growing with you. We'll hold each other loosely and live with palms up, accepting what comes our way with faith, hope, and love.
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I'm learning lots of lessons at 27. Three things I'd like to spend more time thinking about and doing more of in the next few weeks:
-Be over do. I am a human being not a human doing (as my Sunday school teacher always says). My validation comes from what Jesus has already completed not from anything I have done or could ever do. Choose the essential thing and, just like Mary, sit at Jesus' feet hanging on every word he says.
-Rest. Take time to disconnect from the things that pull me in many different directions and connect to truth, friends, family.
-FUN! Have more dance parties. Yell-sing to more songs. Be spontaneous. Laugh a lot.
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Share your thoughts, reflections, or 3 things with me in the comments! Happy September!
Love,
Leah
