Plans

I was groomed for one way of life: the American upper-middle class life. Work hard, once or twice a year take a vacation. Two parents, married, living together, working hard (always). Go to church. Go to ballet. Go to school. Excel in school? Great, get on the IB track. Get scholarships. Go to college. Pick one major and then just follow through. Work a few jobs to get some experience and make very little money. Graduate, get hired in your field, make more money.

Something happened, though, between the IB track and college graduation. I started dating Dan. Until then I pretty much knew my plan, knew I just had to stick to it- power through, finish, do, be successful. I thought success was what I wanted, I thought I wanted people to be proud of me, I thought I wanted to be the one who "did it right"... But I went on adventures with Dan. He held me in the rain, picked wild sunflowers for me, spent summer mornings on the beach with me, watched planes take off at the airport with me. I realized that maybe I wanted more things. I wanted to be with someone who loved me and cared for me and saw my intrinsic value. I wanted adventures and the unknown. I wanted Dan and the life we would have together more than I wanted to stick to the plan. Lucky for me he wanted the same thing. So, we unknowingly said bye to the plan and got married six years ago. We jumped ship on the only way of life we knew anything about and said yes to the unknown.

Unfortunately, there's no real protocol for dealing with the ones who go rogue. In the beginning we don't even really know what to do with ourselves. And by "beginning" I of course mean every moment between the day we got married and now. We thought we could just keep working, I could finish school, we could live cheaply until we could save enough to buy a house, have a few kids, and keep working. We didn't realize that we couldn't go back to the plan. We had already dismissed it with attitudes and choices, but it was all we knew so we kept trying to implement it. It was maddening. Our first year of marriage felt terrible for both of us. It was riddled with misunderstandings and hurtful words and unrealistic expectations. We didn't understand then that the disappointment we felt was about our life in general, about how things weren't really happening the way we had anticipated. So we took it out on each other. Instead of seeing ourselves as allies in the fight against something outside, we saw the other as the disappointment itself. It was an awful thing to think and an awful thing to feel. And then, after being married for six months, living together in a 300 square foot apartment, seeing each other as the disappointment, we found out that I was pregnant. As if we needed something else to solidify our rogue status (apparently we did because we remained largely unaware of this until recently). No one knows what to do with you when you're the young-twenty-something parents who have been given all the opportunity in the world but only one of you is working and the other is trying to finish school and neither one of you really has any idea of what to do next and the economy super-sucks. We felt sad, hurt, alone, tired. Tired of trying to make our life work according to the original plan. At this point some major variables in the original "way of life" equation had changed and we couldn't figure out how to solve it. It was eating away at us.

This is about the point in the story where I hope to see character development and redemption and resolution. It's not as linear as all that, though. Every day-month-year is full of conflict and resolution, failure and redemption. One thing that should stay pretty constant though is the character growth. If you wade through miserable things in life you should continually be refined. Forward, never back. Present over perfect. Every time.

I'm happy to report that while getting married young and having a baby shortly after has drastically altered our life plan, we didn't even really like that plan anyway! We're reading a lot of books, spending a lot of time praying. I'm spending a lot of time in therapy, correcting my thinking. You know an important thing that was missing from the original plan? Enjoyment. Delight. Relishing. God has given me this one life, this one present moment. Why waste it trying to execute plans? I want to spend more of my energy being present. I want to snuggle more people, listen more closely, drink more tea, hike more trails, dance to more music, practice more yoga, love even bigger. And every conflict Dan and I face together pushes me closer and closer to this point. The point where I want to love and be loved, to belong and offer belonging, to enjoy each moment. We're in the long middle of our life right now. We're not as young or naive as we used to be but we're not old enough to settle down. We want to do some things, help a lot of people, make Jesus famous. We have a lot of passion but we don't really know what to do with it. We're exploring alternate life paths. Maybe we'll RV across the country. Maybe we'll adopt some kids (hopefully!). Maybe we'll play music and hug everybody. Maybe I'll write a book. Maybe Dan will start his own photography business. Maybe our family will open a restaurant. Maybe we'll commit to being here, now. Maybe we'll stay. Maybe we'll go. I don't know where our story goes from here, but I still feel really good about my decision to do life forever with Dan. He continues to love me and value me for who I am. He sees my potential and gets excited about it. He makes me laugh uncontrollably. He encourages me to keep moving forward, progressing. He snuggles Emma and wrestles with her every night- even when he's tired. He cooks with her and takes her out for ice cream treats. He plays with her and listens to her. He is kind, smart, silly, fun. He says he'd pick me every time. I know I would pick him every time too. I'm glad he's the one thing I felt confident about. Even at 20 I knew I didn't really want my original life path. I knew I wanted to make my own and I knew I wanted Dan to be with me. Thanks for sticking with me, babe.

Love,
Leah



***No one person is to blame for my confusing thoughts on having a plan for my life. As an adult I take full responsibility for my wandering. I'm coming out of it now, finding my voice and exploring the life God has written for me. Thanks for going with me.***

Madness

Life is hard. Every time Dan and I talk about the budget I'm reminded that the money doesn't like us. We like it, but the feeling certainly isn't mutual. We do ok on our own for about a year with only one of us working. Over the course of that year our savings dwindles and we frantically search for new jobs, new housing, anything to lower our expenses and increase our earnings. We've spent a total of 18 months at my in-laws' home over the course of our six married years. I can't go back there. Please don't misunderstand, I love my in-laws and they love me back (despite my nasty attitude problem in our early years as a family). I am grateful for them and how they graciously shared their space and their life with us. Twice. I love being part of their family. But I also really like our own family identity. We're coming to the last year before Em is in kindergarten. I just need something in the money to work in our favor for one year, maybe more years after that, but I'm here now. Let's start with this year.

I feel so mind-bottled. I feel like I might be crazy. I cry out to my Father, "Abba, help me! Hear me! Provide for my family! You know what we need. You are a good Father. Please, help me!" I don't know where to turn, what to do. I feel frantic, worried, scared. My own thoughts betray me and I buy into the lies. Beating back the darkness feels impossible. Then, light. Peace like rushing rivers pours over me. I am secure in His love, in His care. I remember who I am- God's kid. In Luke 11:9 Jesus reminds God's kids they can ask and keep on asking and they will receive, seek and keep on seeking and they will find, knock and keep on knocking and the door shall be opened. In verse 13 he says to them, "If you then, evil as you are, know how to give good gifts [gifts that are to their advantage] to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask and continue to ask Him!" I can't give up- not now. I know that You are here now/Let Your voice be all I hear now (Here Now-Madness, Empires, Hillsong United, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz_IuYUdNR4). Ask and keep on asking, seek and keep on seeking, knock and keep on knocking.

My Father is good and will fill me with His Holy Spirit. Maybe that doesn't give you much hope or encourage you enough to stay in the fight for your life. Maybe you're like me and you forget the Holy Spirit's other names, forget what a treasure He is. Before Jesus ascended to the Father he told his friends, "The Comforter [Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby], the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you," (John 14:26, AMP). And it's true. He reminds me of the truth, even if it's just a fragment of a verse and I spend the next few minutes sorting through all my Google results. He reminds me still. I sit here in tears, remembering the faithfulness of God, remembering my Gramma. I thought about her because she would always send me little notes with scripture written on the back- always the Amplified Bible translation. Always. At sixteen I felt like the AMP was redundant. Why were all those other words in there? I'm not dumb. But now, as I see all the different names for the Holy Spirit it fills my heart so full. He really is all those things for me.

I take a moment to pray (literally, right now), yell at the devil, remind myself of the truth, and stay in the fight for my life. Because Jesus already won, I did too. Now it's time to live like it and remain engaged. I keep reminding myself to "put on the full armor of God, so that [I] can take [my] stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes [I] may be able to stand [my] ground, and after [I] have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then... And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests," (Ephesians 6:12-14, 18, NIV). How should I stand? Holding my position, the one of victory. Exhibiting courage, strength, and calm. How many times am I supposed to stand or take my stand or stand my ground? Again and again, over and over- protected by the armor of God, praying in the Spirit at all times.

Be encouraged- the light is breaking through! It may only be a sliver through a cracked door, but the door is opening. Keep knocking. The weight is lifting. Some of the burdens you bear, they weren't even meant for you. Jesus wants them all. He wants to take them so you can live free, unfettered, whole, at peace. He wants that for all his kids. Lean into it. Be embraced. Be loved. Be free. He is a good, good Father.

I love you, friends. The struggle is real. I'm in it with you and God is too. Our champion. Look up. Heaven is closer than you know (Closer than You Know, Empires, Hillsong United, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vW68IovHeU).

***Yes, I am on a Hillsong United kick. I have been since I was fifteen. Can't stop. Won't stop.

Love,
Leah