Hello, little love.
You awoke this morning to fragrant orange blossoms and chartreuse spring. And all at once you were climbing your favorite tree in the backyard at Cross Creek Lane. You were running through the yard with sisters & neighbors, riding bikes, playing dress up. You were up late playing kickball & tee- ball with Daddy and everything was green & good & you felt whole. And then you turned 11. Your baby sister was almost 3 and something happened at the church you were at & your family didn't go back there again. And you started at a new church- one with loud music & dancing & yelling preachers & people falling down and you felt lost, alone. That summer you started middle school & the gifted program and there was a lot of (perceived) pressure from your mom to do well. And the tension at home was building. It was all too much for you. But you didn't know. And you thought your family was normal & fine. You didn't know a mother should snuggle & nurture, shower I-love-yous & I'm-proud-of-yous, want you. You didn't know. And so you placed impossible expectations on yourself- straight As, be good at everything you do, be smart, be fun, be popular. It was too much.
And then Mrs. Dana called your mom after your meltdown over getting a B on your math project. Mrs. Dana was concerned just like Mr. Morgenstein was six years later in high school. They were concerned about you. They saw that it was too much for you. But Mommy said you would be fine. You were just like that. High-strung. And for all the years from 7th-10th grade when you would throw up the entire first week of school because you didn't know what it would be like, if you would have friends, if anyone would care. But you had friends at church who cared- Bethany, Tiffany, David, Ryan, Josh, Gloria, Dan, Season. So you leaned into them & you couldn't spend enough time there, with them, with a God you were trying to pursue but you didn't know how. You thought you had to do all the right things at all the right times or you wouldn't be good enough to be loved by Him. But His love, surprisingly, had been pursuing you all along.
Your Father wrapped you up in the arms of your Gramma when you would pretend you were mermaids swimming in her pool under the summer sun. He smiled at you when your Gramma would wide-grin & hand you a Dove ice cream bar for "energy" while you two sang along to Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman" on the back porch. He reached out and held you in the arms of a father who couldn't wait to get home from work to play with you, who would read you books for school when you were too tired, who would stay up to type high school papers you had procrastinated to write. He pursued you still that Christmas when you were 17 and you & Dan went to the Overland Missions conference and you heard and understood His grace & freedom & hope for the first time, all at once. What a glorious day that was! He was there later when you married Dan & life wasn't happy or easy like you'd expected & you were pregnant with your daughter but you weren't excited & your mom had an affair & your husband was distant at best & everything in your life was upside-down. But do you remember how you felt after Emma was born? Whole. And that may have been the hormones talking, but I think it was God. Still doing His good work to complete you. He made sure to rescue your husband from fear & insecurity. He healed Dan, made him strong- such an honorable leader for your family. What an incredible redemption story it is. And your Father is at the center of it all. Teaching you both about His character, His unforced rhythms of grace.
Now, little love, here you are. At your in-laws' for the second time in five years. Feeling like that 11 year-old little girl who has to do everything right so people will love her, want her. Afraid to share the real her because she's just misunderstood so often. And people keep taking shots at the real you. And it hurts. But don't give up. Because your Father loves you. And you don't have to do anything right to get in on that. He already did everything. All you need to do is curl up next to Him & be snuggled. He made you perfectly, exactly, just the way He meant to. He's making you even better each day. You are His treasure. Lean into Him. Chin up. Remember what Bob said. Your story sounds like a page-turner. Let's start writing. We'll be ok.
Love,
my bigger self
