#allthefeels

If you know me even a little bit you know I feel all the feels. I've done this thing lately where I don't take time to process my feelings before moving on and doing whatever the next thing is that's urgent enough to steal my attention. And so I've been piling. It sucks. I know it's not good for me. I know I need to take time to nurture myself. So here I am, eight weeks after my last post, writing. I'm also yell-singing Rend Collective songs. Sometimes I just have to yell the truth until my heart and mind start believing it.

***

Three weeks ago I felt really sad. I felt grateful for my new friends and the ways our relationships are growing, but I also felt really tired from all the work that goes into new relationships. All the words, all the time, all the emotions. And because of that I really just wanted to be snuggled by old friends. Friends who don't really need words to understand. Friends who let me be awkward when I can't quite seem to get it together. Friends who tell me I am enough when I feel like I'm not. And then, like the best surprise, my friend from high school told me she'd be in town for two weeks. She'd love to get together before the wedding we'd both attend. I kind of cried a little bit (because you know I feel all the feels). Even though I hadn't prayed it out loud, even though I couldn't remember to ask for what I needed, God gave it to me anyway. Lindsey came over with her son Ian and we laughed and ate dinner and the kids danced/spun into oblivion. When she left I felt like I had been weird, preoccupied, exhausted. I apologized. You know what she said? She told me I am enough and not too much, however I am. And I cried again (because all the feels). Sometimes I forget that God's grace is for me. It makes sense to me that it's for other people, that God can forgive and love and cover every word and deed in grace. There's a disconnect when I think about me, though. I can't seem to shake the "you're not enough" lie. I'm not sure how it crept in, where it originated, but it has poisoned my mind. And God reminds me in his unending love that I am enough. He sends people I need with words I need and snuggles. Always snuggles. When I think about me I see my failures but when I think about Jesus I see how much he loves me. He loves me enough to make his home in me, he loves me enough to share his inheritance with me, he loves me enough to mix up new mercy for me each morning. He loves me enough. He is enough. I am enough.

***

Dan and I attended a wedding last weekend for our friends Amethyst and Glenn. Dan took pictures and I listened intently to the wedding homily. The Archbishop said so many beautiful things, but one particular thing he said struck me and sank deep. He referenced Ephesians 5 where Paul addresses how wives and husbands should submit to one another. "Wives submit to your husbands in everything" (verse 24). "But husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her... "(verse 25). The Archbishop asked is it easier to obey or to die? Marriage is about dying to self. It's about taking up the cross daily. Sometimes I forget. I leave the cross. Because it's heavy and painful and I know how the story ends. It ends with me dying. But there's more. It really ends with me being raised to life. "Here is a trustworthy saying: If we died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him" (2 Timothy 2:11-12). When I die to myself, my marriage comes alive. It becomes the portrait of God's love for his church that it was intended to be. People can see God's goodness all around because he is alive at the center. In the fog of dishes and laundry and dinner prep and chauffeuring and cleaning, I forget our life together is sacred. I forget to rest and relish and believe the truth over the lies. Our life together is holy, set apart, sacred. At it's best, our marriage shows God's love to the world. I know the weekend was a celebration of the beginning of Amethyst and Glenn's married life together, but it was also a sobering reminder to die to myself. Only then can I, and my relationship with Dan, be fully alive. Dan's worth it, by the way. 

***

This week marks a new first for us. Em started VPK yesterday! I was so nervous to drop her off. The thing I've been doing 24/7 for almost 5 years was about to end. I was going to take her to school. And then I was going to leave. Weird. Dan was able to have the morning off so we all went together. She wanted to pose for a photo with her lunchbox in hand and her left foot up behind her- classic Emma! She was adorable. She gave us both huge squeeze hugs and sprinted in her classroom. Just like that. She was off- trying something new with new people in a new place, on her own. I kept it together pretty well until we got to the car. Dan started telling me what a wonderful mother I am. He told me that I had been successful at the one thing I had known for sure I wanted to do with my life, being a mom. He said Em would do so well. You know the all-the-feels tears started flowing. How did I get this life with such a wonderful husband, such a bright-shining daughter? Why do I miss that so often? Why can I only see the piles of papers and laundry and dishes? Why can I only feel the exhaustion and pain and emptiness? It's simple. It's just like Melissa always told me, "Leah, you're focusing on the lack. Your brilliant, analytical mind focuses on what you don't have. Instead, look at what you do have and enjoy." 

Grow, baby, grow! Mommy's growing with you. We'll hold each other loosely and live with palms up, accepting what comes our way with faith, hope, and love. 

***

I'm learning lots of lessons at 27. Three things I'd like to spend more time thinking about and doing more of in the next few weeks:

-Be over do. I am a human being not a human doing (as my Sunday school teacher always says). My validation comes from what Jesus has already completed not from anything I have done or could ever do. Choose the essential thing and, just like Mary, sit at Jesus' feet hanging on every word he says. 

-Rest. Take time to disconnect from the things that pull me in many different directions and connect to truth, friends, family.

-FUN! Have more dance parties. Yell-sing to more songs. Be spontaneous. Laugh a lot. 

***

Share your thoughts, reflections, or 3 things with me in the comments! Happy September! 

Love,

Leah

Plans

I was groomed for one way of life: the American upper-middle class life. Work hard, once or twice a year take a vacation. Two parents, married, living together, working hard (always). Go to church. Go to ballet. Go to school. Excel in school? Great, get on the IB track. Get scholarships. Go to college. Pick one major and then just follow through. Work a few jobs to get some experience and make very little money. Graduate, get hired in your field, make more money.

Something happened, though, between the IB track and college graduation. I started dating Dan. Until then I pretty much knew my plan, knew I just had to stick to it- power through, finish, do, be successful. I thought success was what I wanted, I thought I wanted people to be proud of me, I thought I wanted to be the one who "did it right"... But I went on adventures with Dan. He held me in the rain, picked wild sunflowers for me, spent summer mornings on the beach with me, watched planes take off at the airport with me. I realized that maybe I wanted more things. I wanted to be with someone who loved me and cared for me and saw my intrinsic value. I wanted adventures and the unknown. I wanted Dan and the life we would have together more than I wanted to stick to the plan. Lucky for me he wanted the same thing. So, we unknowingly said bye to the plan and got married six years ago. We jumped ship on the only way of life we knew anything about and said yes to the unknown.

Unfortunately, there's no real protocol for dealing with the ones who go rogue. In the beginning we don't even really know what to do with ourselves. And by "beginning" I of course mean every moment between the day we got married and now. We thought we could just keep working, I could finish school, we could live cheaply until we could save enough to buy a house, have a few kids, and keep working. We didn't realize that we couldn't go back to the plan. We had already dismissed it with attitudes and choices, but it was all we knew so we kept trying to implement it. It was maddening. Our first year of marriage felt terrible for both of us. It was riddled with misunderstandings and hurtful words and unrealistic expectations. We didn't understand then that the disappointment we felt was about our life in general, about how things weren't really happening the way we had anticipated. So we took it out on each other. Instead of seeing ourselves as allies in the fight against something outside, we saw the other as the disappointment itself. It was an awful thing to think and an awful thing to feel. And then, after being married for six months, living together in a 300 square foot apartment, seeing each other as the disappointment, we found out that I was pregnant. As if we needed something else to solidify our rogue status (apparently we did because we remained largely unaware of this until recently). No one knows what to do with you when you're the young-twenty-something parents who have been given all the opportunity in the world but only one of you is working and the other is trying to finish school and neither one of you really has any idea of what to do next and the economy super-sucks. We felt sad, hurt, alone, tired. Tired of trying to make our life work according to the original plan. At this point some major variables in the original "way of life" equation had changed and we couldn't figure out how to solve it. It was eating away at us.

This is about the point in the story where I hope to see character development and redemption and resolution. It's not as linear as all that, though. Every day-month-year is full of conflict and resolution, failure and redemption. One thing that should stay pretty constant though is the character growth. If you wade through miserable things in life you should continually be refined. Forward, never back. Present over perfect. Every time.

I'm happy to report that while getting married young and having a baby shortly after has drastically altered our life plan, we didn't even really like that plan anyway! We're reading a lot of books, spending a lot of time praying. I'm spending a lot of time in therapy, correcting my thinking. You know an important thing that was missing from the original plan? Enjoyment. Delight. Relishing. God has given me this one life, this one present moment. Why waste it trying to execute plans? I want to spend more of my energy being present. I want to snuggle more people, listen more closely, drink more tea, hike more trails, dance to more music, practice more yoga, love even bigger. And every conflict Dan and I face together pushes me closer and closer to this point. The point where I want to love and be loved, to belong and offer belonging, to enjoy each moment. We're in the long middle of our life right now. We're not as young or naive as we used to be but we're not old enough to settle down. We want to do some things, help a lot of people, make Jesus famous. We have a lot of passion but we don't really know what to do with it. We're exploring alternate life paths. Maybe we'll RV across the country. Maybe we'll adopt some kids (hopefully!). Maybe we'll play music and hug everybody. Maybe I'll write a book. Maybe Dan will start his own photography business. Maybe our family will open a restaurant. Maybe we'll commit to being here, now. Maybe we'll stay. Maybe we'll go. I don't know where our story goes from here, but I still feel really good about my decision to do life forever with Dan. He continues to love me and value me for who I am. He sees my potential and gets excited about it. He makes me laugh uncontrollably. He encourages me to keep moving forward, progressing. He snuggles Emma and wrestles with her every night- even when he's tired. He cooks with her and takes her out for ice cream treats. He plays with her and listens to her. He is kind, smart, silly, fun. He says he'd pick me every time. I know I would pick him every time too. I'm glad he's the one thing I felt confident about. Even at 20 I knew I didn't really want my original life path. I knew I wanted to make my own and I knew I wanted Dan to be with me. Thanks for sticking with me, babe.

Love,
Leah



***No one person is to blame for my confusing thoughts on having a plan for my life. As an adult I take full responsibility for my wandering. I'm coming out of it now, finding my voice and exploring the life God has written for me. Thanks for going with me.***

Madness

Life is hard. Every time Dan and I talk about the budget I'm reminded that the money doesn't like us. We like it, but the feeling certainly isn't mutual. We do ok on our own for about a year with only one of us working. Over the course of that year our savings dwindles and we frantically search for new jobs, new housing, anything to lower our expenses and increase our earnings. We've spent a total of 18 months at my in-laws' home over the course of our six married years. I can't go back there. Please don't misunderstand, I love my in-laws and they love me back (despite my nasty attitude problem in our early years as a family). I am grateful for them and how they graciously shared their space and their life with us. Twice. I love being part of their family. But I also really like our own family identity. We're coming to the last year before Em is in kindergarten. I just need something in the money to work in our favor for one year, maybe more years after that, but I'm here now. Let's start with this year.

I feel so mind-bottled. I feel like I might be crazy. I cry out to my Father, "Abba, help me! Hear me! Provide for my family! You know what we need. You are a good Father. Please, help me!" I don't know where to turn, what to do. I feel frantic, worried, scared. My own thoughts betray me and I buy into the lies. Beating back the darkness feels impossible. Then, light. Peace like rushing rivers pours over me. I am secure in His love, in His care. I remember who I am- God's kid. In Luke 11:9 Jesus reminds God's kids they can ask and keep on asking and they will receive, seek and keep on seeking and they will find, knock and keep on knocking and the door shall be opened. In verse 13 he says to them, "If you then, evil as you are, know how to give good gifts [gifts that are to their advantage] to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask and continue to ask Him!" I can't give up- not now. I know that You are here now/Let Your voice be all I hear now (Here Now-Madness, Empires, Hillsong United, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz_IuYUdNR4). Ask and keep on asking, seek and keep on seeking, knock and keep on knocking.

My Father is good and will fill me with His Holy Spirit. Maybe that doesn't give you much hope or encourage you enough to stay in the fight for your life. Maybe you're like me and you forget the Holy Spirit's other names, forget what a treasure He is. Before Jesus ascended to the Father he told his friends, "The Comforter [Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby], the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you," (John 14:26, AMP). And it's true. He reminds me of the truth, even if it's just a fragment of a verse and I spend the next few minutes sorting through all my Google results. He reminds me still. I sit here in tears, remembering the faithfulness of God, remembering my Gramma. I thought about her because she would always send me little notes with scripture written on the back- always the Amplified Bible translation. Always. At sixteen I felt like the AMP was redundant. Why were all those other words in there? I'm not dumb. But now, as I see all the different names for the Holy Spirit it fills my heart so full. He really is all those things for me.

I take a moment to pray (literally, right now), yell at the devil, remind myself of the truth, and stay in the fight for my life. Because Jesus already won, I did too. Now it's time to live like it and remain engaged. I keep reminding myself to "put on the full armor of God, so that [I] can take [my] stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes [I] may be able to stand [my] ground, and after [I] have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then... And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests," (Ephesians 6:12-14, 18, NIV). How should I stand? Holding my position, the one of victory. Exhibiting courage, strength, and calm. How many times am I supposed to stand or take my stand or stand my ground? Again and again, over and over- protected by the armor of God, praying in the Spirit at all times.

Be encouraged- the light is breaking through! It may only be a sliver through a cracked door, but the door is opening. Keep knocking. The weight is lifting. Some of the burdens you bear, they weren't even meant for you. Jesus wants them all. He wants to take them so you can live free, unfettered, whole, at peace. He wants that for all his kids. Lean into it. Be embraced. Be loved. Be free. He is a good, good Father.

I love you, friends. The struggle is real. I'm in it with you and God is too. Our champion. Look up. Heaven is closer than you know (Closer than You Know, Empires, Hillsong United, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vW68IovHeU).

***Yes, I am on a Hillsong United kick. I have been since I was fifteen. Can't stop. Won't stop.

Love,
Leah

Therapy

It's been a long time of wandering. Eight years, to be exact. Wandering the halls of my mind confused, hurt, alone. Wandering my life path without direction, hope, purpose. When you're wandering and your heart is suffering, it's hard to distinguish truth from lie. Especially because the lies that take root the deepest always have a lot of truth mixed up in them. I've believed the lie that I need to be safe (which is the truth part of the lie) and I can do that by controlling things- thinking through/weighing every decision, making lists and checking things off to prove my worth, anticipating conflicts and trying to avoid them. I also believed the lie that who I am is good but not good enough. As a result of believing that lie I even became co-dependent. I had no identity on my own because it felt safer to just put others before me and focus on what they want and need. I never took time to nurture myself. So I withered and lost myself. I gave up the voice God gave me because I didn't think it was good enough. And as I started to feel anxiety and stress and fear crush my body, I knew I needed help. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating (much). I wasn't good for myself or anyone else. My friend recommended her therapist to me. It took me a month to muster up enough courage to even contact the office and admit that I needed help. I think that was the hardest part. But then the good part happened: therapy.

My therapist is kind, warm, understanding, safe, true. I almost fell asleep on her sofa towards the end of my first session. It was the most relaxed I had been in months. She told me that all she had done was draw my attention to the present- sights, sounds, smells around me. "Use that when you feel anxious and be in the present," she told me. She gave me permission to take things for myself and enjoy them (like moments to drink hot tea or watch the sunrise or feel the sand or sing). She gave me permission to nurture myself. Maybe that "permission" part sounds weird to you, but to someone like me who follows rules and is obsessed with doing the exact right thing at the exact right time and finds their worth/value in the things they do, that "permission" part is absolutely necessary. I needed someone to tell me it was ok to take care of myself. In fact, it's the best thing I can do. So I started. The first week I had a cup of hot green tea with just the right amount of honey. I took that moment and I liked it. The second week I upped my game and stood at the top of a green hill, arms spread wide and watched as a million tabebuia seeds washed over me. Later that week I went to the beach and felt the sand in my hands and noted the texture. I remembered that I came from dust and to dust I will return but for this moment God has breathed his breath of life in me and I am alive. I watched the moon's reflection dance on the ocean- the same moon and same ocean that have always been. I took those moments and I liked it. I enjoyed them and felt more whole, more like me. In an effort to find my voice I've said no to people without explanation. And my therapist asked me if the world stopped spinning... it didn't, by the way. I've started reminding myself who I really am so I won't get confused or lost again (or at least not for long). In case you're wondering who I really am, I am a lover. Lover of sun, green things, smiles, bright colors, rainbows, friends, tea, sweaters, ocean, birds, music, food, blankets, summer, friends (I would list friends a million times because they're my favorite). God made me to love him and to point people to him. What better way to do that than to delight in the life he has given me- to enjoy and to love.

I found this beautiful passage in Philippians 1 (MSG) a few days ago and it reminds me who I am:

9-11 So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.

So, if you see me again soon and you think I'm crazy, that's cool. The real Leah is a lover and kind of a hippie. She's learning to enjoy this life, trust her intuition, just be, and use that beautiful voice God gave her. I'm sure that will sound weird to some people. But hey, I'm me- no explanation or justification necessary. I am enough. And, good news: so are you!

Love,
Leah

Drought

Sometimes the community drought is too much. I hate it. All my favorite healthy people tell me that life is better lived in community, in sharing our stories and being vulnerable, in authenticity and understanding (look them up: Brené Brown, Bob Goff, Shauna Niequist, Donald Miller, Judah Smith). That resonates with something old and deep and true in me. I think God put it there. He made me to know and to be known- I think he made all of us that way. So why the hell can't we get on board with that? It's so frustrating. I bring me, all of me, into relationships. People matter. We are the only things that are eternal. The weight of that understanding guides me in relationships. That's why I'm all in. Because you matter and our time together here has consequences for eternity.

Dan and I have done a lot of restructuring in our lives to make time for what we think is most important. You want to know what's most important to us? It's the big two: loving God and loving people (Matthew 22:37-40). We leave early mornings open for time to pray and read. We leave evenings open for time with friends. We leave weekends open for time together, just the three of us. Of course sometimes other things creep in and we don't get to stick to our time margins for the week, but overall we establish boundaries and protect them.

You know what a lot of people we love say when we invite them over or ask to get together throughout the week? That they have a lot going on, things are really busy, they'll get back to us when things are less busy. I get that. Sometimes I have full weeks too. You're busy. You're doing things, going places, accomplishing goals. There's nothing inherently wrong with any of those things. But I think we can potentially be busy for all our days, weeks, months, years here on earth. We could spend all the time we have working hard for all the things, making the kind of impact we think we should, accomplishing all the tasks, achieving great status. All those things are about doing. I think it's so hard for me because I'm learning an important lesson right now- the "be" over "do" lesson. I don't have to be anything or anyone other than me. God made me to be forever with Him. He loves me always, no matter what. There's nothing I can do to make him love me more or less. Now, I'm not saying that because this is the thing I'm learning that everyone else wrong and I'm Mary, you're Martha (Luke 10:38-42) and you're not living your life right and I'm better than you. That's not it at all.  I'm just mourning the loss of what could have been- the connection, the understanding, the embrace, the increased knowledge of God that comes from life lived together. I hate being apart. It's not self-induced and it's not for my lack of trying, but this community drought sucks.

Stay tuned for Part II. I think God made me passionate about community because he wants me to be part of redeeming it. What am I good at? What do I really love? Being a friend. I'm wired for it. I'll let you know what happens next. Thanks for learning with me. It's a slow process, but I'm getting better. 

Love,
Leah

Mornings

Mornings are hard for me. I guess some people enjoy mornings because of the possibilities of a new day, the hope for things to be better/different than yesterday, the new mercy God has for them that day. I wish I could think about those things. God, I want to think about those things! Instead I wake reluctantly, angrily after fitful sleep. Emma presents me with a list of demands. The dishes in the sink glare at me and remind me that I am not enough, that I will never really be able to complete all the tasks, do all the things, be all the things. Even my stomach yells at me to feed it. And the day starts with yesterday's leftovers instead of today's warm beginnings. I feel disgusted. Can I just go back to sleep? I like the light. Maybe I could sleep better in the day time. Maybe the darkness and the fear and the worry wouldn't creep into my dreams in the day. The light beats back the darkness, right?

I don't know anything, not even a sliver of the future. My life feels like a circus juggling act. Which piece of my life is up in the air today? Oh, all of them. Cool. I really do want to trust God. I promise I really do want to lean in and listen to what he has to say. I want to be in on what he's doing. I feel left out, though, like God has plans and things he's working on in/for my life but I'm not entirely sure what or how or why or for how long. In the meantime mornings haunt me and my security blanket (Dan) has gone to work and I am left to fight alone.

Things I need to remember this morning:

I am not alone.
Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)
The Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.

God is strong and he makes me strong.
Romans 16:25 (MSG)
All of our praise rises to the One who is strong enough to make you strong, exactly as preached in Christ Jesus...

Jesus is light and darkness cannot win.
John 1:3-5 (MSG)
Everything was created through him; nothing—not one thing!—came into being without him. What came into existence was Life, and the Life was Light to live by. The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness; the darkness couldn’t put it out.

God knows what he's doing.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 (MSG)
I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not to abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed.

Jesus picked me and I am his friend, focus of his love.
John 15:15-17 (NIV)
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You didn't not choose me, remember, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit- fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other. 

Ephesians 1:4 (MSG)
Long before he laid down the earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love.

I love that whole and holy part. I want to be whole more than anything. I want to get better.

What do you need help remembering this morning?

The fight

This week has been hard. Really, really hard. The feelings of panic and anxiety that I have sometimes felt over the past six years blew in at full force this week. I can't pinpoint the trigger- not yet. I have no idea why I feel anxious, but when I do my chest feels tight and my head feels like it's floating and my body feels weird which sends me into more panic. It's the worst. It steals my day, my hope, my love. I am no good for myself or anyone else. I retreat into my mind prison and tell myself that if I can just make it to 6 pm Dan will be home and I won't have to suffer alone anymore.

That is just sad. It's sad to lose hope and appetite and peace. It's sad to be trapped inside yourself. As I seek redemption for this part of my story, I'm learning a few things. I'm learning how to lean into God and how to be dependent on him. Anxiety is not a thing I can free myself from, only God can do that. He wants me strong (Romans 16:25 All of our praise rises to the One who is strong enough to make you strong, exactly as preached in Jesus Christ..., Psalm 31:24 Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon.). He wants me whole (I Thessalonians 5:23-24 May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together- spirit, soul, and body- and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he'll do it!). He wants me free (Galations 5:1 Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.). I want those things too.

I realized that I do with God what I do with other people when I perceive the absence of leadership- I step in and fill the role. Dan and I were talking about this Saturday night and about how this skill works well with a leadership vacuum in the workplace or with a group of friends who just needs to make a decision, but not so much with God. I perceive the lack of leadership or involvement on his part because he is invisible and because the things I would like to see happen in my life haven't panned out yet, so I conclude that God must be busy with other things. He must care about other people but not really about me. If I want things to happen in my life then I need to make them happen. But every time I try to make something happen for myself it flops, my body has a meltdown, and I return to dust- or at least that's how it feels. I'm understanding now that there really is nothing I can do apart from God. I cannot save myself. So I lean into Him. Because he loves me. He offers me grace.

So often I question God's love for me, probably because of my own experience with conditional love (i.e. manipulation) and the self-appointment to leadership thing that I do when I perceive lack. I believe the lie that Adam and Eve believed in the garden: God must not really love/care for me if he's keeping me from this. Instead of acknowledging his protection and his provision as love, I ignore them and blaze my own way. I mistake his quiet distance for indifference when really it's an invitation to draw near to him. That's what good dads do. They don't force you to do the things that are best for you. They suggest them and then ask you to snuggle with them until you feel strong enough to do what is best (and sometimes the snuggling and waiting is what's best).

I'm learning to accept God's love and his grace, to soak it up. I didn't know how to do that before and I'm still not very good at it. My friends and family have been an extension of God's love to me lately. They tell me things like, "You're going to be ok," "You are enough," "It's ok to ask for help," "Let's get healthy now so we can be whole people raising whole kids," "You are awesome." And these people have seen me through highs and lows. For years. They have seen my shining moments and my really ugly ones. But they also see who I can be, who God's making me to be. It's like when God looks at me and only sees me blameless because of Jesus- my friends see me like that too. It's a lot easier to see yourself the way you actually are if people break down the walls of your mind prison and tell you the truth. I learn most of my lessons about God's love from my friends. Thank you, friends and family, for loving God and loving me. I love you back- so much. I will get better.

What do you really love?

I love lots of things. I love people- the funny, jumbled-up piles of emotion, layers of thoughts and feelings, records of experiences (the good, the bad, and everything in between). I love summer- toes in the sand of our Gulf coast beaches, hot sun on my face, kissing my skin, and the way that everything slows down to a lazy summer pace. I love green tea- hot and sweetened with honey, sipping from a tiny mug or iced and shaken with apple juice, served in the largest glass I can find. I love feeling understood- the it's-ok-to-be-me-I-am-enough-you'll-still-stay-even-though-I-can-never-be-perfect feeling. I love hosting- people in my space, bumping elbows around a crowded table, food and wine flowing, the roar of laughter, the quiet sighs and tears of pain, the gift of togetherness and now and food.

Today I was thinking a lot about what I really love and what I really want. For me, those two go hand in hand- I really want the things that I really love to all intersect. I dream of a home with a big back yard and a greengreen garden, a kitchen well known to all my closest friends, a big table covered in crispy baguettes and cheeses and soup and wine and all kinds of other things that come together in the kitchen, and friends holding each other tightly and loosely all at the same time, kids zooming in and out of all the rooms. I love connecting, understanding, and really knowing. I'm beginning to understand that that's how God made me and I'm leaning in to that.

Tell me, what do you really love?

An open letter to anyone who wants to know "What have [I] been up to lately?"

I went to bed last night with every intention to start writing right away- before Emma could stand creepily over my face and whisper she's hungry, before I could start washing dishes, making breakfast, scouring the internet for vacation spots. But I'm super awesome at distracting myself, at prolonging the inevitable. I will find words for the way I feel. I will, but it would be healthier if I just let myself write and try to find the words now instead of later. I want to be good with words, true with words, but I doubt myself every time. I wonder if I'll feel more confident in time or if I'll forever be fighting for meaning in my words...

I recently read a blog post by Don Miller (http://storylineblog.com/2015/01/28/do-you-only-matter-because-of-what-you-do/) about him visiting a therapy center. Upon arrival guests had to surrender their phones for the week, drop their last names, and their ace cards. Don describes our ace cards as important, impressive things we wear like badges and throw down on the table to make people believe us to be something or someone other than our true selves. We use our ace cards to hide shame and self-doubt. But we are more than what we do. We have great intrinsic value. But I forget that a lot.  I forget that I matter and that I am doing good things with my life.

You see, I don't really have any ace cards to hide behind. I don't work an interesting job, I don't travel to exotic places, I don't cook Pinterest meals every night, I don't go out to fancy places and wear shiny black dresses and sip champagne (usually). My life, me, the things I do, they don't Instagram well. I'm not topping the charts of social media in anything but honesty and vulnerability. All I have to offer you is me. I really hope that is enough.

What have I been up to lately? What do I do? Where am I going? They're the questions I ask myself and people ask me on a pretty consistent basis. And, in an effort to calm one of my many emotional storms as of late, my sweet Dan reminded me that we've been building- slowly, quietly, and with great pain. We've been building a marriage, a family, friends. We've been focusing our efforts on raising a child to know she is loved and wanted by us and by God- just the way she is. My father-in-law said that the past almost-six years may have been hard for us, but they haven't been for Emma. She has always had food and shelter and comfort and two engaged parents and love. And he's right on two counts- it has been hard for Dan and me, and it hasn't been for Em. It's hard to say no to things I love like travel and exploration and music and art and other things that other twenty-somethings are off doing right now. It's hard to come to terms with what I willingly said yes to. In my defense, I don't think anyone ever really know what they're signing up for in marriage and parenting. But I picked it and I picked to stay. I chose to commit and connect and grow and build. And I think those are good things.

I matter because of who I am- lover of light and color and sweaters and friends and wine and yoga and Dan and music and books and being understood and Emma and chocolate and tea and God and grace and hope and blueberries and dance and justice and adoption and positive change and sundresses and the beach and puppies and breaking unhealthy cycles and watercolors and painting and candles and french fries. Who are you? What do you really love to do? Be honest. That person matters.

Never alone

It's been two months since I last opened my blog. That's sad for me, really, because I love to write. It's not just an outlet or a hobby, it's a need. I have to write. But I didn't. Holidays have a way of sending me on a tailspin of emotion and they launch me into a depressing black hole and when I land on my feet again I am completely disoriented although the world looks exactly the same as when I left it.

Yesterday was probably the hardest day in the last four years of my life. I woke up mad, hurt, hopeless. And if you know anything about waking up it's that that is really just the worst way to do it. Might as well bury your head in the pillow and try to sleep and then wake up again. Declare a do over, or something. But I didn't. I didn't have the courage or strength to say "do over!" I just wandered with furrowed brow, miserable all day. Because the car needs an engine repair that will cost all of our savings, my kid won't stop whining my name (for the last 4 days), there isn't enough money, I haven't found a job yet, my husband hasn't found a higher paying job, we feel unstable internally and externally, we keep trying to make things happen for ourselves and it's just not working. When I made it to that last thought I remembered that I had left God completely out of all of it. I didn't ask him for help. I didn't tell him what I needed or what was bothering me. Probably because he's invisible, eternal and I'm temporal. I am bound by time and space and body and this provincial life and he is not. I overlook him because he is beyond and above and separate from all the things I do or deal with every day. But he isn't really. My friend Lisa reminded me that I never walk alone. God never asked me to. He is Emmanuel, God with us. We are his greatest treasure. He pursues me still even though if it had been me in the garden instead of Eve, I would have eaten the fruit. If it had been me meeting Jesus I wouldn't have believed he was the Son of God. But he loves me anyway and he gave me Jesus anyway to get back his treasure that was lost all those years ago. This treasure is dirty and ungrateful and doubting and selfish, but he wants me anyway. He wants to fix my car and heal my heart and give me a home. Because he's my dad and he loves me.

Yesterday was the worst day, but at the end of it I remembered that I really am loved. I really am cared for. My friends reminded me. I didn't spend a second of my day alone. Friends in the afternoon, friends at night. They surrounded me in the best way and snuggled me and reminded me to listen for God's voice. Walk the walk of faith which is hard and I often feel like I'm stumbling blindly, but I am never alone. That was the best thing to hear (and feel). I am never alone and neither are you.