It's been a long time of wandering. Eight years, to be exact. Wandering the halls of my mind confused, hurt, alone. Wandering my life path without direction, hope, purpose. When you're wandering and your heart is suffering, it's hard to distinguish truth from lie. Especially because the lies that take root the deepest always have a lot of truth mixed up in them. I've believed the lie that I need to be safe (which is the truth part of the lie) and I can do that by controlling things- thinking through/weighing every decision, making lists and checking things off to prove my worth, anticipating conflicts and trying to avoid them. I also believed the lie that who I am is good but not good enough. As a result of believing that lie I even became co-dependent. I had no identity on my own because it felt safer to just put others before me and focus on what they want and need. I never took time to nurture myself. So I withered and lost myself. I gave up the voice God gave me because I didn't think it was good enough. And as I started to feel anxiety and stress and fear crush my body, I knew I needed help. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating (much). I wasn't good for myself or anyone else. My friend recommended her therapist to me. It took me a month to muster up enough courage to even contact the office and admit that I needed help. I think that was the hardest part. But then the good part happened: therapy.
My therapist is kind, warm, understanding, safe, true. I almost fell asleep on her sofa towards the end of my first session. It was the most relaxed I had been in months. She told me that all she had done was draw my attention to the present- sights, sounds, smells around me. "Use that when you feel anxious and be in the present," she told me. She gave me permission to take things for myself and enjoy them (like moments to drink hot tea or watch the sunrise or feel the sand or sing). She gave me permission to nurture myself. Maybe that "permission" part sounds weird to you, but to someone like me who follows rules and is obsessed with doing the exact right thing at the exact right time and finds their worth/value in the things they do, that "permission" part is absolutely necessary. I needed someone to tell me it was ok to take care of myself. In fact, it's the best thing I can do. So I started. The first week I had a cup of hot green tea with just the right amount of honey. I took that moment and I liked it. The second week I upped my game and stood at the top of a green hill, arms spread wide and watched as a million tabebuia seeds washed over me. Later that week I went to the beach and felt the sand in my hands and noted the texture. I remembered that I came from dust and to dust I will return but for this moment God has breathed his breath of life in me and I am alive. I watched the moon's reflection dance on the ocean- the same moon and same ocean that have always been. I took those moments and I liked it. I enjoyed them and felt more whole, more like me. In an effort to find my voice I've said no to people without explanation. And my therapist asked me if the world stopped spinning... it didn't, by the way. I've started reminding myself who I really am so I won't get confused or lost again (or at least not for long). In case you're wondering who I really am, I am a lover. Lover of sun, green things, smiles, bright colors, rainbows, friends, tea, sweaters, ocean, birds, music, food, blankets, summer, friends (I would list friends a million times because they're my favorite). God made me to love him and to point people to him. What better way to do that than to delight in the life he has given me- to enjoy and to love.
I found this beautiful passage in Philippians 1 (MSG) a few days ago and it reminds me who I am:
9-11 So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God.
So, if you see me again soon and you think I'm crazy, that's cool. The real Leah is a lover and kind of a hippie. She's learning to enjoy this life, trust her intuition, just be, and use that beautiful voice God gave her. I'm sure that will sound weird to some people. But hey, I'm me- no explanation or justification necessary. I am enough. And, good news: so are you!
Love,
Leah
