I get emotional every time I think about it. Maybe because we're not quite out of the woods yet. Maybe because I'm afraid we'll have another fight and we'll go back to being distant. Maybe because I'm afraid you'll leave like my parents left, like the people I thought would be my friends left. I don't want to be the one being left anymore. If anyone is doing the leaving it's going to be me. Because that's what the strong, decisive people do. They leave. And the weak ones stay, heaps of inadequacy and unwanted-ness. I think that is such shit. I'm not buying it.
Sometimes love warriors stay. I'm the staying kind. I know you are too. You could have left when our sex wasn't what you expected. You could have left when I was a shell of a person for over a year, crumbling under the weight of anxiety and depression, calling you almost every day to talk me down from panic attacks. You could have left when I got pregnant only six months into our marriage. You could have left when I couldn't hold a job because I was too overwhelmed. You could have left every single time I spiraled into the meaning vacuum and wanted more from and for my own life. You could have left when I started making bold moves to show up for myself and speak my truth even though it caused a million conflicts between you and me. You continue to make space for me. Sometimes it's really messy. I yell and throw a fit because things aren't going my way and my needs aren't being met and then you throw it back at me and say your needs aren't being met either. It makes me sad to hear that, but I do hear you. I make space for you too. Because you're worth it. I don't want to do today or tomorrow or the next ten years if you're not with me. We've done all the hard growing up things together. I grow with you, process with you. You're with me in everything.
Thanks for asking me to date you. Thanks for telling me you'll take me anywhere with you. Thanks for asking me to marry you. Thanks for our first treehouse apartments. Thanks for our daughter. Thanks for my new car. Thanks for working hard for our family every day. Thanks for saying yes and doing the hard work of marriage counseling with me. Thanks for being patient with me. Thanks for giving me space and grace to become more myself. Thanks for taking me on dates and trips. Thanks for dancing with me. Thanks for being honest with me. Thanks for making me laugh at almost everything. Thanks for encouraging me to write. Thanks for this home, our first actual house. Thanks for holding my hand through it all.
We (accidentally) walked down the aisle to "love is not a victory march; it's a sad and it's a broken hallelujah." I think Geri was still a little hungover. I also think it's time we redeemed that walk. You know Touching Heaven by JOHNNYSWIM, I know you do. Well, I won't be holding my breath for chariots. I'm not just waiting for skies to part. You've been my glimpse of Kingdom right from the start. And you got me touching heaven. You're my hallelujah, babe.
I love you, Dan- more now than ever before. Thank you for picking me over and over again every day, for saying "I do" every single morning when you make me a cup of tea and kiss my cheek. Thank you for turning toward me, for learning with me. Thank you for hearing me and valuing me. Thanks for speaking up and caring about important things. Our love is hard won, but we really are winning. We are strong. I love my life with you.
Forever and ever and ever more, with my whole heart,
Leah
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