It's been two months since I last opened my blog. That's sad for me, really, because I love to write. It's not just an outlet or a hobby, it's a need. I have to write. But I didn't. Holidays have a way of sending me on a tailspin of emotion and they launch me into a depressing black hole and when I land on my feet again I am completely disoriented although the world looks exactly the same as when I left it.
Yesterday was probably the hardest day in the last four years of my life. I woke up mad, hurt, hopeless. And if you know anything about waking up it's that that is really just the worst way to do it. Might as well bury your head in the pillow and try to sleep and then wake up again. Declare a do over, or something. But I didn't. I didn't have the courage or strength to say "do over!" I just wandered with furrowed brow, miserable all day. Because the car needs an engine repair that will cost all of our savings, my kid won't stop whining my name (for the last 4 days), there isn't enough money, I haven't found a job yet, my husband hasn't found a higher paying job, we feel unstable internally and externally, we keep trying to make things happen for ourselves and it's just not working. When I made it to that last thought I remembered that I had left God completely out of all of it. I didn't ask him for help. I didn't tell him what I needed or what was bothering me. Probably because he's invisible, eternal and I'm temporal. I am bound by time and space and body and this provincial life and he is not. I overlook him because he is beyond and above and separate from all the things I do or deal with every day. But he isn't really. My friend Lisa reminded me that I never walk alone. God never asked me to. He is Emmanuel, God with us. We are his greatest treasure. He pursues me still even though if it had been me in the garden instead of Eve, I would have eaten the fruit. If it had been me meeting Jesus I wouldn't have believed he was the Son of God. But he loves me anyway and he gave me Jesus anyway to get back his treasure that was lost all those years ago. This treasure is dirty and ungrateful and doubting and selfish, but he wants me anyway. He wants to fix my car and heal my heart and give me a home. Because he's my dad and he loves me.
Yesterday was the worst day, but at the end of it I remembered that I really am loved. I really am cared for. My friends reminded me. I didn't spend a second of my day alone. Friends in the afternoon, friends at night. They surrounded me in the best way and snuggled me and reminded me to listen for God's voice. Walk the walk of faith which is hard and I often feel like I'm stumbling blindly, but I am never alone. That was the best thing to hear (and feel). I am never alone and neither are you.
