I went to bed last night with every intention to start writing right away- before Emma could stand creepily over my face and whisper she's hungry, before I could start washing dishes, making breakfast, scouring the internet for vacation spots. But I'm super awesome at distracting myself, at prolonging the inevitable. I will find words for the way I feel. I will, but it would be healthier if I just let myself write and try to find the words now instead of later. I want to be good with words, true with words, but I doubt myself every time. I wonder if I'll feel more confident in time or if I'll forever be fighting for meaning in my words...
I recently read a blog post by Don Miller (http://storylineblog.com/2015/01/28/do-you-only-matter-because-of-what-you-do/) about him visiting a therapy center. Upon arrival guests had to surrender their phones for the week, drop their last names, and their ace cards. Don describes our ace cards as important, impressive things we wear like badges and throw down on the table to make people believe us to be something or someone other than our true selves. We use our ace cards to hide shame and self-doubt. But we are more than what we do. We have great intrinsic value. But I forget that a lot. I forget that I matter and that I am doing good things with my life.
You see, I don't really have any ace cards to hide behind. I don't work an interesting job, I don't travel to exotic places, I don't cook Pinterest meals every night, I don't go out to fancy places and wear shiny black dresses and sip champagne (usually). My life, me, the things I do, they don't Instagram well. I'm not topping the charts of social media in anything but honesty and vulnerability. All I have to offer you is me. I really hope that is enough.
What have I been up to lately? What do I do? Where am I going? They're the questions I ask myself and people ask me on a pretty consistent basis. And, in an effort to calm one of my many emotional storms as of late, my sweet Dan reminded me that we've been building- slowly, quietly, and with great pain. We've been building a marriage, a family, friends. We've been focusing our efforts on raising a child to know she is loved and wanted by us and by God- just the way she is. My father-in-law said that the past almost-six years may have been hard for us, but they haven't been for Emma. She has always had food and shelter and comfort and two engaged parents and love. And he's right on two counts- it has been hard for Dan and me, and it hasn't been for Em. It's hard to say no to things I love like travel and exploration and music and art and other things that other twenty-somethings are off doing right now. It's hard to come to terms with what I willingly said yes to. In my defense, I don't think anyone ever really know what they're signing up for in marriage and parenting. But I picked it and I picked to stay. I chose to commit and connect and grow and build. And I think those are good things.
I matter because of who I am- lover of light and color and sweaters and friends and wine and yoga and Dan and music and books and being understood and Emma and chocolate and tea and God and grace and hope and blueberries and dance and justice and adoption and positive change and sundresses and the beach and puppies and breaking unhealthy cycles and watercolors and painting and candles and french fries. Who are you? What do you really love to do? Be honest. That person matters.
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