Honestly

I think a lot of people are taken aback by my honesty. I sat across the lunch table from some pretty excellent people today. I told them all they were invited to my house whenever they wanted, but I am pretty picky about who I spend my time with. I instructed them not to bring anyone over that I wasn't absolutely sure I liked. And there it was. Blank stares. And slowly the hesitant oks rolled in and I felt like an idiot. I did that thing again where I said something that people don't normally say. It was an honest thing, a vulnerable thing. I didn't really think about it before I said it. I always say what I mean (unless I can't find/don't have the words then I just say that instead).But as I sat with these people whom I love and enjoy I noticed their sideways glances and half-smiles at my comment and felt alone. Am I the only who thinks these things. I sure as hell must be the only one who says them. I feel like I'm too much and not enough all at the same time. I wonder if any of those people will ever sit on my couch and eat popcorn and drink weird beer and talk and laugh and cry into the night. Where are the people like me? There are a few. I know because they're already my friends. They already sit around my coffee table and let me snuggle their babies and help me do my dishes and laugh/cry/sing with me. I'm grateful for my friends and I wish for deeper connection and understanding with my friend-hopefuls. Maybe that's just me or maybe it's not but I'm the only one saying it.

Honestly,

Leah