There's no pretty way to start writing about what's been on my mind lately. I feel SUPER bored with my life. I'm at frustration level, for sure. I feel underutilized- no way am I tapping in to my full potential. At all. And when I begin feeling that way I think terrible, illogical things like "Might as well have another baby. If I'm going to be trapped at home with Em and my body worked to grow a baby that one time, might as well have another one. Right?" Newsflash, Brain, THIS MAKES NO SENSE. You feel trapped and dissatisfied with your life? How about I throw you a baby, at least two years of no sleep, mountains of laundry and poor hygiene? Still sound good, Brain? Sheesh.
My life-bored feeling is just a symptom, though, I think. I think my main problem is that the spiritual being part of me that needs to be connected to and cared for by God, the part that needs to create and think and do things that bring order to chaos, that part of me feels suppressed by the functional being. I can execute tasks perfectly- it may take a long time due to constant interruption from the most adorable tiny person- but I can do them. I can wipe noses and cook dinner and clean house and adventure to the park and read stories and make crafts and play imaginary games and catch up with my husband and tuck my tiny human in for bed and tutor kids and shop for groceries and read my Bible and sometimes even read more things that aren't Facebook. I can do all those things. But what do I want to do? I want to rest. I want to just be me. I want to run and dance and sing and play with Emma without the constant "mommommommommom!" I want to read actual books and write and sit outside and garden and dig my toes in the sand. I want to learn new things like how to salsa dance or play piano or crochet or speak French. I want to drink wine and stay up late talking to Dan and my friends about hopes and dreams and fears. I want to date Dan every night and I never want to say goodbye. I want to eat good food and make new friends and lasting memories. I want to snuggle old friends and lean into being understood. I want to adopt kids- a house full of people who know they are wanted. I want to be snuggled. I want to travel and explore new things. Some of the things I want are more realistic than others, I get that. I think I'm going to start trying some of the more realistic things on a weekly basis. So I can feel sane and be a person instead of a robot. We're not supposed to be robots, you know?
We'll talk more soon!
Love,
Leah
