Finally beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Philippians 4:8
Good morning, lovelies. I need my people today. I'm having a hard time believing in resurrection. I think it's because I'm tired, because change is slow, because I feel lonely, because Emma has been sick and/or on antibiotics for three weeks now. Today is her sixth birthday and she is home sick. She missed her own birthday party on Saturday because she was sick then too. How many absences is too many? We're up to six now. I just want to make her well already so she can run and play with her friends, so we can all sleep at normal times at night, so she doesn't have to see the doctor again (we've been three times in as many weeks). I don't want to be quarantined anymore, for my own sake. I need hugs and face time and understanding from my people. Being shut up in my house mostly for the last five days has me feeling a little crazy. So I'm here today. Showing up, asking for kindness and understanding.
Dan and I talked a little bit this morning before he left for work. We talked about things that frustrate us and the things we dread (there are kind of a lot of those things). I think it's important to share things in marriage. It's important to be honest with one another. We do that and it's good, but it's important to be honest about other things too- about what you love and what you hope and what you're good at and what you'd like to try in the future. And that's where Paul's reminder to the Philippians comes in- "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Does this mean we ignore the things that are horrible and false and hurtful and an absolute mess? Absolutely not. Please don't be ignorant. But that shouldn't be the place where we focus our attention. It's like strengths-based research says, play to your strengths, the things you do well. Spend your time and attention on those areas and you will be more successful in developing meaningful relationships and engaging in fulfilling experiences. When we focus on our deficits we spend all our time and energy trying to develop areas we may never excel in and exhaust ourselves with unrealistic expectations and taunt ourselves with missed opportunities (which is the opposite of success, meaning, and fulfillment, guys).
I hate the meaning vacuum. I feel it now. And I hate it. Today I'm reminding myself of true things, beautiful things, pure things, excellent things. I picked this hibiscus and it's next to me while I write. I love this variety because as they bloom, they unfurl like fluffy, tiered princess dresses and that makes my heart happy. I'm listening to Audrey Assad's "Even Unto Death" which I may have recommended before but I don't even care because I love it so much! It's piano-driven and that's my favorite; the piano coveys such emotion. And the way all the other instruments fill in and swell... it's perfect. I can't sing enough about how Jesus is the lover of my soul and just the thought of him fills my heart with love. I downloaded a bunch of podcasts to listen to today, most of them by women because after being in church my whole life I'm kind of sick of listening to men be the experts on everything (sorry, gentlemen). I've read some of the Psalms and some of John and also Philippians today too. I really want to think on the good things. Some of my closest and favorite friends are coming over tonight. I'm looking forward to hugging them and snuggling up on the couch and being understood.
I have more I want to say, so much more. Another time, I guess. Tomorrow, probably. Thanks for meeting me here. Something to think about in preparation for tomorrow's post: what do you do when the structure/institution that facilitated and sustained your fledgeling relationship with Jesus doesn't seem to do that/be necessary anymore? What if Jesus has proven himself faithful to you in the hardest times and he's the one who sustains the relationship now and everything else feels superfluous and weird? Help me unpack those ideas tomorrow.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
Leah
