The fight

This week has been hard. Really, really hard. The feelings of panic and anxiety that I have sometimes felt over the past six years blew in at full force this week. I can't pinpoint the trigger- not yet. I have no idea why I feel anxious, but when I do my chest feels tight and my head feels like it's floating and my body feels weird which sends me into more panic. It's the worst. It steals my day, my hope, my love. I am no good for myself or anyone else. I retreat into my mind prison and tell myself that if I can just make it to 6 pm Dan will be home and I won't have to suffer alone anymore.

That is just sad. It's sad to lose hope and appetite and peace. It's sad to be trapped inside yourself. As I seek redemption for this part of my story, I'm learning a few things. I'm learning how to lean into God and how to be dependent on him. Anxiety is not a thing I can free myself from, only God can do that. He wants me strong (Romans 16:25 All of our praise rises to the One who is strong enough to make you strong, exactly as preached in Jesus Christ..., Psalm 31:24 Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon.). He wants me whole (I Thessalonians 5:23-24 May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together- spirit, soul, and body- and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he'll do it!). He wants me free (Galations 5:1 Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.). I want those things too.

I realized that I do with God what I do with other people when I perceive the absence of leadership- I step in and fill the role. Dan and I were talking about this Saturday night and about how this skill works well with a leadership vacuum in the workplace or with a group of friends who just needs to make a decision, but not so much with God. I perceive the lack of leadership or involvement on his part because he is invisible and because the things I would like to see happen in my life haven't panned out yet, so I conclude that God must be busy with other things. He must care about other people but not really about me. If I want things to happen in my life then I need to make them happen. But every time I try to make something happen for myself it flops, my body has a meltdown, and I return to dust- or at least that's how it feels. I'm understanding now that there really is nothing I can do apart from God. I cannot save myself. So I lean into Him. Because he loves me. He offers me grace.

So often I question God's love for me, probably because of my own experience with conditional love (i.e. manipulation) and the self-appointment to leadership thing that I do when I perceive lack. I believe the lie that Adam and Eve believed in the garden: God must not really love/care for me if he's keeping me from this. Instead of acknowledging his protection and his provision as love, I ignore them and blaze my own way. I mistake his quiet distance for indifference when really it's an invitation to draw near to him. That's what good dads do. They don't force you to do the things that are best for you. They suggest them and then ask you to snuggle with them until you feel strong enough to do what is best (and sometimes the snuggling and waiting is what's best).

I'm learning to accept God's love and his grace, to soak it up. I didn't know how to do that before and I'm still not very good at it. My friends and family have been an extension of God's love to me lately. They tell me things like, "You're going to be ok," "You are enough," "It's ok to ask for help," "Let's get healthy now so we can be whole people raising whole kids," "You are awesome." And these people have seen me through highs and lows. For years. They have seen my shining moments and my really ugly ones. But they also see who I can be, who God's making me to be. It's like when God looks at me and only sees me blameless because of Jesus- my friends see me like that too. It's a lot easier to see yourself the way you actually are if people break down the walls of your mind prison and tell you the truth. I learn most of my lessons about God's love from my friends. Thank you, friends and family, for loving God and loving me. I love you back- so much. I will get better.