Madness

Life is hard. Every time Dan and I talk about the budget I'm reminded that the money doesn't like us. We like it, but the feeling certainly isn't mutual. We do ok on our own for about a year with only one of us working. Over the course of that year our savings dwindles and we frantically search for new jobs, new housing, anything to lower our expenses and increase our earnings. We've spent a total of 18 months at my in-laws' home over the course of our six married years. I can't go back there. Please don't misunderstand, I love my in-laws and they love me back (despite my nasty attitude problem in our early years as a family). I am grateful for them and how they graciously shared their space and their life with us. Twice. I love being part of their family. But I also really like our own family identity. We're coming to the last year before Em is in kindergarten. I just need something in the money to work in our favor for one year, maybe more years after that, but I'm here now. Let's start with this year.

I feel so mind-bottled. I feel like I might be crazy. I cry out to my Father, "Abba, help me! Hear me! Provide for my family! You know what we need. You are a good Father. Please, help me!" I don't know where to turn, what to do. I feel frantic, worried, scared. My own thoughts betray me and I buy into the lies. Beating back the darkness feels impossible. Then, light. Peace like rushing rivers pours over me. I am secure in His love, in His care. I remember who I am- God's kid. In Luke 11:9 Jesus reminds God's kids they can ask and keep on asking and they will receive, seek and keep on seeking and they will find, knock and keep on knocking and the door shall be opened. In verse 13 he says to them, "If you then, evil as you are, know how to give good gifts [gifts that are to their advantage] to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask and continue to ask Him!" I can't give up- not now. I know that You are here now/Let Your voice be all I hear now (Here Now-Madness, Empires, Hillsong United, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz_IuYUdNR4). Ask and keep on asking, seek and keep on seeking, knock and keep on knocking.

My Father is good and will fill me with His Holy Spirit. Maybe that doesn't give you much hope or encourage you enough to stay in the fight for your life. Maybe you're like me and you forget the Holy Spirit's other names, forget what a treasure He is. Before Jesus ascended to the Father he told his friends, "The Comforter [Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby], the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you," (John 14:26, AMP). And it's true. He reminds me of the truth, even if it's just a fragment of a verse and I spend the next few minutes sorting through all my Google results. He reminds me still. I sit here in tears, remembering the faithfulness of God, remembering my Gramma. I thought about her because she would always send me little notes with scripture written on the back- always the Amplified Bible translation. Always. At sixteen I felt like the AMP was redundant. Why were all those other words in there? I'm not dumb. But now, as I see all the different names for the Holy Spirit it fills my heart so full. He really is all those things for me.

I take a moment to pray (literally, right now), yell at the devil, remind myself of the truth, and stay in the fight for my life. Because Jesus already won, I did too. Now it's time to live like it and remain engaged. I keep reminding myself to "put on the full armor of God, so that [I] can take [my] stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes [I] may be able to stand [my] ground, and after [I] have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then... And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests," (Ephesians 6:12-14, 18, NIV). How should I stand? Holding my position, the one of victory. Exhibiting courage, strength, and calm. How many times am I supposed to stand or take my stand or stand my ground? Again and again, over and over- protected by the armor of God, praying in the Spirit at all times.

Be encouraged- the light is breaking through! It may only be a sliver through a cracked door, but the door is opening. Keep knocking. The weight is lifting. Some of the burdens you bear, they weren't even meant for you. Jesus wants them all. He wants to take them so you can live free, unfettered, whole, at peace. He wants that for all his kids. Lean into it. Be embraced. Be loved. Be free. He is a good, good Father.

I love you, friends. The struggle is real. I'm in it with you and God is too. Our champion. Look up. Heaven is closer than you know (Closer than You Know, Empires, Hillsong United, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vW68IovHeU).

***Yes, I am on a Hillsong United kick. I have been since I was fifteen. Can't stop. Won't stop.

Love,
Leah