day 2

You know what's sexy? Day 1 of everything. DAY 1 ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!! You know what's not sexy? Day 2 of anything. There's nothing glamorous about day 2 and all the other days that come after that. I know because I woke up this morning exhausted and thought maybe I should go back to sleep (but I didn't because I'm not a quitter- hahaha). I washed my face and tied up my hair just like I did yesterday but I didn't feel like my unicorn self anymore, I just feel like my dear God someone tell that woman to put her feet up and tuck her back in self. I started Yoga Camp with Adriene the day before I started my writing adventure so that makes today day 3 of yoga camp. And my body is not thrilled about this decision, not right now. After getting up early, writing, and knocking out day 2 of yoga camp yesterday I felt like a superhero. Today, not so much. I feel empty. At least now I'm paying enough attention to know what that feels like before ALL the internal warning bells and whistles sound (my therapist continues to help me with that). I know I need to fill up, to rest, let go of the try-hard-life. It makes sense why I woke up with Matthew 11:28-30 on my mind. Jesus was addressing a crowd about how God's truths are revealed to little children and hidden from the wise/learned. And then he said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." I need the rest for my soul. I need the easy and light part too. Why does it often feel really heavy to be a person?! That's my job, right, to be a person? Why is it so difficult?

I spend a lot of time in church. That's where we have our vocation now. It's protestant and contemporary and big-ish. There's a stage and lights and a fog machine or two. We have talented people in prominent positions. But sometimes, like last night, I walk through the doors and I want to do a little dance in each office and yell BE AN ACTUAL PERSON!!!!!!!!! I just want them to engage with me in a meaningful way. Like could we just talk about how hard life is sometimes? Does it always have to be about church services and what part we play in them (which for me is none) or the latest movie you saw or how you broke the printer (again)? Why else would Jesus offer his people rest for our souls if our souls weren't troubled in the first place? CAN WE PLEASE STOP ACTING LIKE EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS FINE?! I think I know why this happens. I think it centers on identity- who and whose we are. I know that's where it starts for me. I've been paying attention to and asking those whose and who questions for over a year now. I know if I live from the place where I am held, loved, cared for by God and where I lean into my hippie nature, my lover name (I'll tell you that story tomorrow), my values then I am secure. I know who and whose I am and I can be honest about that. If you're not sure or you just flat out don't know the answer to the whose and who questions, I think it's hard to be honest about anything. It's easy to blame so hear me, church people, I'm not blaming you. I just want an awareness, an awakening to actual life- the one where we all take a collective exhale, stop comparing, and just show up and tell our truth. Show up for yourself and let yourself be seen. We need your voice, your unique contribution to our world. I know I do. Maybe this morning you feel like me and you want to be tucked back in and you want it to be less hard to be a person and you want other people to try being a person with you so you know you're not alone. This song came on while I was writing and I needed the reminder God's mercies are new every morning, for me and for you. Grace and peace to you, friends. Go out and be a person today. I'm with you.

Love,
Leah

P.S. Shout out to my people (some pictured and a lot of them not) who help me be a person. I love you more than words could say.

writing to publish

It's dark outside. You guys, I'm awake before the sun even is! This is a big deal. I woke up a little before my alarm (which was set for 6 am) because I just couldn't sleep anymore. I felt like I used to when it was the first day of school- so nervous/excited I could throw up (I didn't throw up today, don't worry). I got dressed, tied up my hair, washed my face, and prepared my space. This morning I started something new; I started writing to publish. I was inspired by Glennon Doyle Melton (whose blog is as AMAZING as she is and you can follow it here at http://momastery.com/blog/). I listened to an old RobCast yesterday, episode 80, where Rob Bell interviewed Glennon on her back patio. Amidst birds chirping and cars passing by, she told the story of how she began writing and what it practically looked like for her. She said when she started it was because she had to tell the truth and because she was sober and couldn't tell the truth through her addiction anymore she had to use her words (WOW, just let that sink in for a minute). She disciplined herself, woke up every morning at 4:45 (so she wouldn't be interrupted by her small children), wrote whatever she wanted for an hour and a half, and then hit "publish" at the end of every writing session. Glennon said it helped keep her from perfectionism.

I don't know exactly what it was about her interview, but it felt like a challenge. And today I accepted the challenge. I just feel sick of saying, "I started a book," "Dan built me a website but I can't figure out how to get the content on there," "I don't have enough time to write every day." Excuses! I'm done with excuses, especially for the things I care a lot about. I have a lot in me. If you know me at all you know this to be true. Sometimes I feel like I'll burst from all the feelings and ideas I carry inside me. I know it's exhausting at best and overwhelming at worst for some of the people I talk to the most. I know this because sometimes their eyes roll around or they fall asleep or they just sit and have zero response afterward. Hahahaha! I'm more ok with it now, taking it a lot less personally. So, I'm writing because I have to, which is why I even started blogging five years ago when my girl was a baby and we lived in the treehouse. But I'm also writing as an experiment/adventure of sorts. I'm out to find my people, the ones who my words resonate with and who have things to say back. I love conversation and being together and understanding. That doesn't happen too often with people in my real life. I think it's because they value other things.

A couple weeks ago, I completed this REALLY hard Brené Brown exercise where I had to define my personal values. From a list of 50+ important things I had to pick my top three. TOP THREE?! I love words, all the words, more is more, and I can only pick 3 out of 50?! What kind of cruel injustice is this?! Welp, after an hour I was able to incorporate a lot of the words into my top three and I'm happy to report I didn't die. My top three: faith, honesty, love. And they're perfect, really. They sum up everything that I really care about and want to work hard for in my life. The cool thing about tools like this values exercise is they don't tell you any new information. They tell you what has always been true all along, but they illuminate the truth and give you language for things that were just amorphous concepts before. So, I'm pretty serious about my values and by "pretty serious" I mean I'm using them as a decision filter, to borrow a term from Donald Miller, for literally everything I have to make a call on in a day. It's hard, but it's worth the awareness and the peace, freedom, and joy that comes from being a integrated person. To me, an integrated person is so secure in her identity that her words and actions reflect her values. I want to be that person. I value faith, honesty, and love. A lot of people in my real life right now aren't too concerned with the honesty part, which for me includes beautiful things like vulnerability and authenticity and connection. So, I'm out to write because I have to tell the truth and I have to find my people. This is my internet message in a bottle. Wherever you are, I love you. I can't wait to hear from you.

Love,
Leah

P.S. I'm hitting "publish" now. <3

For the lonely and the ones who ask questions and the ones who wander

From Easter:

I went to my happy place today- the one where the roads are made of bricks and there are street cars and bars and tattoo parlors and cigar shops and my favorite local tea place and people. There are all kinds of people in this city. A lot of them offering warm smiles or even free chocolate milk for my girl. There's a lot of pain in this city too. Street corners lined with homeless people. Some of them look like me- young, white. I overheard a girl telling stories about her tattoos. "This one here? It used to be a ruined city to remind me of my shitty childhood." She laughed wryly at the end. I know it still hurts. And I hurt too- over things that haven't happened and things that have. But I feel happy here in this city. No one's pulling any punches with me here, not yet. They answer me straight and ask me hard questions and dare me to engage. I always feel more human when I do. My afternoon such a stark contrast to my morning. How is it I feel more safe in the arms of the city than I do in the arms of the church?

Honestly

I think a lot of people are taken aback by my honesty. I sat across the lunch table from some pretty excellent people today. I told them all they were invited to my house whenever they wanted, but I am pretty picky about who I spend my time with. I instructed them not to bring anyone over that I wasn't absolutely sure I liked. And there it was. Blank stares. And slowly the hesitant oks rolled in and I felt like an idiot. I did that thing again where I said something that people don't normally say. It was an honest thing, a vulnerable thing. I didn't really think about it before I said it. I always say what I mean (unless I can't find/don't have the words then I just say that instead).But as I sat with these people whom I love and enjoy I noticed their sideways glances and half-smiles at my comment and felt alone. Am I the only who thinks these things. I sure as hell must be the only one who says them. I feel like I'm too much and not enough all at the same time. I wonder if any of those people will ever sit on my couch and eat popcorn and drink weird beer and talk and laugh and cry into the night. Where are the people like me? There are a few. I know because they're already my friends. They already sit around my coffee table and let me snuggle their babies and help me do my dishes and laugh/cry/sing with me. I'm grateful for my friends and I wish for deeper connection and understanding with my friend-hopefuls. Maybe that's just me or maybe it's not but I'm the only one saying it.

Honestly,

Leah

The Response

My response to Jesus:

It's too wonderful, your love for me.

You pursue me.

You want me.

You think I'm worth dying for, worth really living for- thank you!

Thank you for not giving up on me.

I am not a project to be completed but a person in the process of life.

Thank you for passing me friends when I forget.

I am your daughter, co-heir with Christ. 

Thank you for reminding me with your Word when I forget.

You are making me new, something that has never before existed-

from Leah to Lover, my new name.

My heart burns within me when you talk to me and open the scriptures up to me.

Thank you for not leaving me alone.

What's next, Papa?

Love,

Leah

Too Wonderful

I haven't written in awhile. Honestly, it's because I didn't think I had anything good to say or that anyone would be interested in reading. But when I started this writing adventure two years ago I started it for me, not for readers. If you happen to relate or feel understood or feel anything in response to my writing, that's amazing, but that's not primarily why I write. I write because I have to- because the words are heavy on my mind and in my heart, because my creative soul will burst if I try to keep the words in any longer, because I am a writer (one of many things I am).

The past few weeks have been extremely emotional. I feel like I've been on a terrible fair ride and I've far exceeded my limit of spins and bumps and nauseating turns. I've experienced a lot of loss lately. No, no one in my life has died. But people have left, moved on, moved away. My expectations of life and relationship and God have been drastically unrealistic. And every time I have to let go of something, some thought, someone it is loss. I grieve. It's a lesson in living life palms up, not holding anything or anyone too tightly. It's a lesson in leaning into my feelings, not letting them overtake me. It's a lesson in believing truth over lies. 

This morning I crashed into a wave of emotions, mostly confusion and sadness. I was driving home after dropping Em off at school. Dan and I had a weird misunderstanding that felt like an argument before I left. A few nights before he had told me, "You don't have to be a 'good' wife or a 'good' mom or a 'good' anything. I want you to be you." And it was confusing to me. And hurtful. Why don't you want me to be "good"? I'm trying really hard here. This morning while I was driving all those thoughts came rushing back to me and I cried out to God, "If I'm not supposed to be 'good' then what am I supposed to be?! What do you think of me, Father?!" And through the ugliest tears and coughing cries, I encountered my greatest fear, the thing that I fight so hard against, the thing that drives me to be "good" and do well. If I'm not a good wife or a good mom or a good anything, I'm afraid my suspicions will be confirmed- I really am a fuck-up. If I can't keep my house clean or my husband happy or my daughter contentedly engaged in play, then what can I do? I felt like a complete failure. And at that exact moment, in a heap of emotion, God was there. He was with me sweetly and gently. Sometimes he's firm, like dads sometimes have to be, but not this morning. Today he was really kind. He told me that he made me good. Not our version of "good" either, the one we have to work for and perform for and earn. No- he made me His kind of good. The kind that he intended from the very beginning, in the garden (Genesis 1:31, NKJV). The kind he intended when he knit me together in my mother's womb, on purpose, with skill and care (Psalm 139, all of it). It's too wonderful. He made me to be me, not anyone or anything else. And as I am transformed more and more into his likeness (2 Corinthians 3:18, AMP), the things he made me to be begin to exhibit more and more of his character. What an honor, what a privilege to be like Jesus, to know that this compassionate nature he has given me is the same compassionate nature He has. It's too wonderful. It really is.

I picked a word for 2016- enjoy. This year I want to let go of the try-hard life. I'm reading Grace for the Good Girl, I stole that byline from Emily Freeman. I think enjoying life deeply starts with enjoying God and enjoying who he made me to be. Instead of relentlessly pushing back, fighting against the changes he wants to make in me, the lessons he wants to help me unlearn, the truth he wants me to rest in, I want to embrace it. I want to play to my strengths. I care and love and laugh and talk and eat and listen and cook and dance really well. I'm going to do more of what I'm good at and less of what I'm not. My house won't always be clean and my husband's clothes won't always be ironed and we might eat dinner at 7:30, but my home and my heart and my life will always be full. And you are welcome. You are welcome to my home and my table and my heart. You are welcome to learn God and you and me. We can enjoy together. No pressure. Just want you to know you're invited.

Love,

Leah

#allthefeels

If you know me even a little bit you know I feel all the feels. I've done this thing lately where I don't take time to process my feelings before moving on and doing whatever the next thing is that's urgent enough to steal my attention. And so I've been piling. It sucks. I know it's not good for me. I know I need to take time to nurture myself. So here I am, eight weeks after my last post, writing. I'm also yell-singing Rend Collective songs. Sometimes I just have to yell the truth until my heart and mind start believing it.

***

Three weeks ago I felt really sad. I felt grateful for my new friends and the ways our relationships are growing, but I also felt really tired from all the work that goes into new relationships. All the words, all the time, all the emotions. And because of that I really just wanted to be snuggled by old friends. Friends who don't really need words to understand. Friends who let me be awkward when I can't quite seem to get it together. Friends who tell me I am enough when I feel like I'm not. And then, like the best surprise, my friend from high school told me she'd be in town for two weeks. She'd love to get together before the wedding we'd both attend. I kind of cried a little bit (because you know I feel all the feels). Even though I hadn't prayed it out loud, even though I couldn't remember to ask for what I needed, God gave it to me anyway. Lindsey came over with her son Ian and we laughed and ate dinner and the kids danced/spun into oblivion. When she left I felt like I had been weird, preoccupied, exhausted. I apologized. You know what she said? She told me I am enough and not too much, however I am. And I cried again (because all the feels). Sometimes I forget that God's grace is for me. It makes sense to me that it's for other people, that God can forgive and love and cover every word and deed in grace. There's a disconnect when I think about me, though. I can't seem to shake the "you're not enough" lie. I'm not sure how it crept in, where it originated, but it has poisoned my mind. And God reminds me in his unending love that I am enough. He sends people I need with words I need and snuggles. Always snuggles. When I think about me I see my failures but when I think about Jesus I see how much he loves me. He loves me enough to make his home in me, he loves me enough to share his inheritance with me, he loves me enough to mix up new mercy for me each morning. He loves me enough. He is enough. I am enough.

***

Dan and I attended a wedding last weekend for our friends Amethyst and Glenn. Dan took pictures and I listened intently to the wedding homily. The Archbishop said so many beautiful things, but one particular thing he said struck me and sank deep. He referenced Ephesians 5 where Paul addresses how wives and husbands should submit to one another. "Wives submit to your husbands in everything" (verse 24). "But husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her... "(verse 25). The Archbishop asked is it easier to obey or to die? Marriage is about dying to self. It's about taking up the cross daily. Sometimes I forget. I leave the cross. Because it's heavy and painful and I know how the story ends. It ends with me dying. But there's more. It really ends with me being raised to life. "Here is a trustworthy saying: If we died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him" (2 Timothy 2:11-12). When I die to myself, my marriage comes alive. It becomes the portrait of God's love for his church that it was intended to be. People can see God's goodness all around because he is alive at the center. In the fog of dishes and laundry and dinner prep and chauffeuring and cleaning, I forget our life together is sacred. I forget to rest and relish and believe the truth over the lies. Our life together is holy, set apart, sacred. At it's best, our marriage shows God's love to the world. I know the weekend was a celebration of the beginning of Amethyst and Glenn's married life together, but it was also a sobering reminder to die to myself. Only then can I, and my relationship with Dan, be fully alive. Dan's worth it, by the way. 

***

This week marks a new first for us. Em started VPK yesterday! I was so nervous to drop her off. The thing I've been doing 24/7 for almost 5 years was about to end. I was going to take her to school. And then I was going to leave. Weird. Dan was able to have the morning off so we all went together. She wanted to pose for a photo with her lunchbox in hand and her left foot up behind her- classic Emma! She was adorable. She gave us both huge squeeze hugs and sprinted in her classroom. Just like that. She was off- trying something new with new people in a new place, on her own. I kept it together pretty well until we got to the car. Dan started telling me what a wonderful mother I am. He told me that I had been successful at the one thing I had known for sure I wanted to do with my life, being a mom. He said Em would do so well. You know the all-the-feels tears started flowing. How did I get this life with such a wonderful husband, such a bright-shining daughter? Why do I miss that so often? Why can I only see the piles of papers and laundry and dishes? Why can I only feel the exhaustion and pain and emptiness? It's simple. It's just like Melissa always told me, "Leah, you're focusing on the lack. Your brilliant, analytical mind focuses on what you don't have. Instead, look at what you do have and enjoy." 

Grow, baby, grow! Mommy's growing with you. We'll hold each other loosely and live with palms up, accepting what comes our way with faith, hope, and love. 

***

I'm learning lots of lessons at 27. Three things I'd like to spend more time thinking about and doing more of in the next few weeks:

-Be over do. I am a human being not a human doing (as my Sunday school teacher always says). My validation comes from what Jesus has already completed not from anything I have done or could ever do. Choose the essential thing and, just like Mary, sit at Jesus' feet hanging on every word he says. 

-Rest. Take time to disconnect from the things that pull me in many different directions and connect to truth, friends, family.

-FUN! Have more dance parties. Yell-sing to more songs. Be spontaneous. Laugh a lot. 

***

Share your thoughts, reflections, or 3 things with me in the comments! Happy September! 

Love,

Leah