writing to publish

It's dark outside. You guys, I'm awake before the sun even is! This is a big deal. I woke up a little before my alarm (which was set for 6 am) because I just couldn't sleep anymore. I felt like I used to when it was the first day of school- so nervous/excited I could throw up (I didn't throw up today, don't worry). I got dressed, tied up my hair, washed my face, and prepared my space. This morning I started something new; I started writing to publish. I was inspired by Glennon Doyle Melton (whose blog is as AMAZING as she is and you can follow it here at http://momastery.com/blog/). I listened to an old RobCast yesterday, episode 80, where Rob Bell interviewed Glennon on her back patio. Amidst birds chirping and cars passing by, she told the story of how she began writing and what it practically looked like for her. She said when she started it was because she had to tell the truth and because she was sober and couldn't tell the truth through her addiction anymore she had to use her words (WOW, just let that sink in for a minute). She disciplined herself, woke up every morning at 4:45 (so she wouldn't be interrupted by her small children), wrote whatever she wanted for an hour and a half, and then hit "publish" at the end of every writing session. Glennon said it helped keep her from perfectionism.

I don't know exactly what it was about her interview, but it felt like a challenge. And today I accepted the challenge. I just feel sick of saying, "I started a book," "Dan built me a website but I can't figure out how to get the content on there," "I don't have enough time to write every day." Excuses! I'm done with excuses, especially for the things I care a lot about. I have a lot in me. If you know me at all you know this to be true. Sometimes I feel like I'll burst from all the feelings and ideas I carry inside me. I know it's exhausting at best and overwhelming at worst for some of the people I talk to the most. I know this because sometimes their eyes roll around or they fall asleep or they just sit and have zero response afterward. Hahahaha! I'm more ok with it now, taking it a lot less personally. So, I'm writing because I have to, which is why I even started blogging five years ago when my girl was a baby and we lived in the treehouse. But I'm also writing as an experiment/adventure of sorts. I'm out to find my people, the ones who my words resonate with and who have things to say back. I love conversation and being together and understanding. That doesn't happen too often with people in my real life. I think it's because they value other things.

A couple weeks ago, I completed this REALLY hard Brené Brown exercise where I had to define my personal values. From a list of 50+ important things I had to pick my top three. TOP THREE?! I love words, all the words, more is more, and I can only pick 3 out of 50?! What kind of cruel injustice is this?! Welp, after an hour I was able to incorporate a lot of the words into my top three and I'm happy to report I didn't die. My top three: faith, honesty, love. And they're perfect, really. They sum up everything that I really care about and want to work hard for in my life. The cool thing about tools like this values exercise is they don't tell you any new information. They tell you what has always been true all along, but they illuminate the truth and give you language for things that were just amorphous concepts before. So, I'm pretty serious about my values and by "pretty serious" I mean I'm using them as a decision filter, to borrow a term from Donald Miller, for literally everything I have to make a call on in a day. It's hard, but it's worth the awareness and the peace, freedom, and joy that comes from being a integrated person. To me, an integrated person is so secure in her identity that her words and actions reflect her values. I want to be that person. I value faith, honesty, and love. A lot of people in my real life right now aren't too concerned with the honesty part, which for me includes beautiful things like vulnerability and authenticity and connection. So, I'm out to write because I have to tell the truth and I have to find my people. This is my internet message in a bottle. Wherever you are, I love you. I can't wait to hear from you.

Love,
Leah

P.S. I'm hitting "publish" now. <3