day 2

You know what's sexy? Day 1 of everything. DAY 1 ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!! You know what's not sexy? Day 2 of anything. There's nothing glamorous about day 2 and all the other days that come after that. I know because I woke up this morning exhausted and thought maybe I should go back to sleep (but I didn't because I'm not a quitter- hahaha). I washed my face and tied up my hair just like I did yesterday but I didn't feel like my unicorn self anymore, I just feel like my dear God someone tell that woman to put her feet up and tuck her back in self. I started Yoga Camp with Adriene the day before I started my writing adventure so that makes today day 3 of yoga camp. And my body is not thrilled about this decision, not right now. After getting up early, writing, and knocking out day 2 of yoga camp yesterday I felt like a superhero. Today, not so much. I feel empty. At least now I'm paying enough attention to know what that feels like before ALL the internal warning bells and whistles sound (my therapist continues to help me with that). I know I need to fill up, to rest, let go of the try-hard-life. It makes sense why I woke up with Matthew 11:28-30 on my mind. Jesus was addressing a crowd about how God's truths are revealed to little children and hidden from the wise/learned. And then he said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." I need the rest for my soul. I need the easy and light part too. Why does it often feel really heavy to be a person?! That's my job, right, to be a person? Why is it so difficult?

I spend a lot of time in church. That's where we have our vocation now. It's protestant and contemporary and big-ish. There's a stage and lights and a fog machine or two. We have talented people in prominent positions. But sometimes, like last night, I walk through the doors and I want to do a little dance in each office and yell BE AN ACTUAL PERSON!!!!!!!!! I just want them to engage with me in a meaningful way. Like could we just talk about how hard life is sometimes? Does it always have to be about church services and what part we play in them (which for me is none) or the latest movie you saw or how you broke the printer (again)? Why else would Jesus offer his people rest for our souls if our souls weren't troubled in the first place? CAN WE PLEASE STOP ACTING LIKE EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS FINE?! I think I know why this happens. I think it centers on identity- who and whose we are. I know that's where it starts for me. I've been paying attention to and asking those whose and who questions for over a year now. I know if I live from the place where I am held, loved, cared for by God and where I lean into my hippie nature, my lover name (I'll tell you that story tomorrow), my values then I am secure. I know who and whose I am and I can be honest about that. If you're not sure or you just flat out don't know the answer to the whose and who questions, I think it's hard to be honest about anything. It's easy to blame so hear me, church people, I'm not blaming you. I just want an awareness, an awakening to actual life- the one where we all take a collective exhale, stop comparing, and just show up and tell our truth. Show up for yourself and let yourself be seen. We need your voice, your unique contribution to our world. I know I do. Maybe this morning you feel like me and you want to be tucked back in and you want it to be less hard to be a person and you want other people to try being a person with you so you know you're not alone. This song came on while I was writing and I needed the reminder God's mercies are new every morning, for me and for you. Grace and peace to you, friends. Go out and be a person today. I'm with you.

Love,
Leah

P.S. Shout out to my people (some pictured and a lot of them not) who help me be a person. I love you more than words could say.