Sincerely Insecure

I am always nervous when I sit down to write. I have stupid, one-sided conversations with myself. Will anything that I say matter? Will it be true? Will it be helpful? Will I be clear? Will I be understood? I don't know! So much of the time my mind feels like a jumbled mess of dirty laundry tossed about an already cluttered bedroom. I'm a mess. My life is messy. I feel insecure a lot. It's WAY easier to just play Candy Crush and drink wine until my mind numbs, slows. It's what I was doing two minutes ago. Because I'm scared. I'm scared that if I call myself a writer, dreamer, lover of all things good & right & true then I'll have expectations to meet. And history will show that I am a failure. A complete screw-up. I never really get off the ground. I never really start anything. I never really do anything.

That's what history shows about me. But you know something awesome? Way better than all of that is that history proves my God is faithful. And I may be wandering in desert, around the same damn mountain over and over again but just like the Jews, His favorites, His chosen, God gives me bread for my body and mercy for my soul- new every morning. My friend says that God mixes up a new batch of his grace for me every day. New. Every day. He leads me while I stumble around in the dark. His Word is a lamp to my feet. Not the sun, not a bright, radiant light that I can see the whole span of my life with, but a soft, gentle light to illuminate my feet so I can see just enough to follow His. I would be lying if I said I remember this all the time and practice walking in the low lamplight, listening for God's voice. I would be lying if I said that even when I am doing these things that it is easy. I'm afraid every single time. Here's why: I'm afraid I won't actually hear God. I'm afraid that He's too big and I'm too small, He's too quiet and I'm too loud, He's preoccupied and I am forgotten. But none of that is true (except that I am small & loud). God is faithful. His character is tried and true, the same yesterday, today, and forever.

I guess my hope is that if I'm brave and I tell my stories that you'll be brave enough to tell your stories too. And then we can be friends. You will know me and I will know you. Then we can remind each other of the truth when all we can hear are the lies. We can pray for each other with purpose and commitment, because when you hurt, I hurt. When you have joy, I have joy. Because I have let you in and you have let me in. Vulnerability, authenticity, honesty. All require bravery. All are necessary for relationship. That's what I'm after. Relationship. Restoration. Wholeness. Hope. Love. All the things that God is after, my heart longs for too.

I am sincerely insecure, but I want to be strong and courageous. Another friend told me that fear and faith occupy the same place in our hearts and minds, but they cannot both exist simultaneously. Fear or faith. You pick. I am so sick of fear and insecurities being louder than the truth, louder than my faith. I have faith in God because he never changes and he never falters. He has faith in me, despite me, because I am hidden in Christ. All he sees when he looks at me is his precious, perfect, blameless son. And he doesn't (not can't, just doesn't) see that I look like hell- tattered, bruised, separate, screw-up. He sees Jesus. That's all I want to see too. Jesus. He's my only hope. My plan A. There is no plan B. Only Jesus. Remember him with me. Remember him when all you can see is yourself and you look ugly. I've felt really ugly lately- wretched on the inside. He's better, I swear. He's making me better. He'll always be making me better. I'm getting there. Thanks for going with me.

Love,
Leah